Cliché Cabaret

While every divorce is different, many are quite the same.  Every divorce has a reason; and rare is the divorce without animosity.  Most divorces have assets and debts to divide, and most have more of one than the other.  But one thing that absolutely every divorce has is a cliché. 

Huffington Post blogger Randall M. Kessler recently listed his Top 10 Divorce Clichés.  You can read his version here, but I'll add my own spin.

10.  "Its not about the Money":  Yes, it is (most of the time).  If its not about how much he or she will "get", its about how much he or she will have to be responsible for.  Or rather, why the client shouldn't be responsible for their spouse's bad decision, shopping problem, etc.

9.  "Just wait until the judge hears what he/she did".:   Most people want vindication for being the "good spouse".  People want to tell their story and hear affirmation that the divorce is the other spouse's fault.  The reality is, at least in New Jersey, that the court really does not care whether one person was a bad husband or a bad wife.  You don't get rewarded for putting up with crap (excuse the slang).  Nor does the offending spouse get punished.  There are exceptions of course; i.e., domestic violence.  But if one spouse had an affair or always spent too much at the mall - by and large, it is not relevant to the divorce process and the court does not have time to hear about it.

8.  "I can't believe they are going to bring that up".:  Anger has a way of festering.  The things that bothered your spouse years ago still bother him or her today.  While it's probably not relevant (see #9), that does not mean the emotional impact doesn't exist.

7.  "I want him/her to go to jail for perjury.":  Real life is not "Law & Order".  People lie, bend the truth or sometimes just perceive facts differently.  Perjury is a crime.  Lying under oath can be prosecuted.  But proving it can be difficult and in a divorce proceeding, odds are the lie was not significant enough to impact the case or to change the outcome.  No one condones lying.  And if you lie to your attorney and they find out - you'll be looking for a new attorney.  But from a practical perspective, if your spouse lies in the divorce process, you need to weigh the risk/benefit factor of pursuing a criminal complaint.

6.  "I'd rather pay my lawyer than pay my spouse anything".  You might feel that way at the moment, but when the bill comes, you might feel differently.  Arguing a point based on principle is always a recipe for disaster.  Your lawyer will tell you what you are realistically facing in terms of a support obligation.  Fighting it into the ground does nothing but run up your legal bill.

5.  "I don't care how long it takes."  Yes, you do.  No one wants to be embroiled in a divorce any longer than necessary.  Divorce takes time.  Even an uncontested default divorce can take 2-3 months.  If there is anything of substance to discuss in your divorce, it is going to take time to sort out.  You will get tired; you will want to put it behind you.  A good lawyer will help you understand the realistic time frame.  Dragging it out does not help anyone.

4.  "Can't you tell the judge what a jerk he/she is?"  See #9.  No, your lawyer cannot tell the judge what a jerk the other spouse is.  And really - most of the time - the judge does not care. 

3.  "I want a "shark" for a lawyer".  I absolutely hate this cliché.  Early in my career a prospective client once asked "You sound awfully nice, are you sure you can be a bitch?".  I was stunned.  I did not know how to respond.  I wanted to assure the client that yes, I could be the biggest bitch they  needed me to be.  But I was very troubled by the question and the mere suggestion that I should be a bitch.  So I called the judge for whom I had served as law clerk for advice.  I will remember his advice forever.  He said "Don't ever mistake civility for weakness".   That prospective client was asking me to be unprofessional and to sway from my ethical obligation as a lawyer; and that is something I refuse to do.  Your divorce is filled with your emotions.  As lawyers, we are not emotionally involved.  We do not need to be angry or aggressive to get a good result.  A good result comes from professional and spirited advocacy with good facts. 

2.  "He (or she) is a narcissist".:  Most people use this phrase when they perceive the other spouse is only thinking about him or herself.  Eh - its a divorce - a little bit of narcissism is expected on both sides.

1.  "Its just stuff."  Wonderful!  Glad to hear it!  You're right, it is just stuff.  Of course I would never suggest that my cleiint should sit back and get taken advantage, but I also do not want my clieint to get stuck on the value of the living room sofa or who should get the pots and pans.   "It's just stuff".  Focus on the big picture and get through the divorce.  Then have fun picking out a new couch.

An experienced professional lawyer will help you through the divorce process in a myriad of ways.  When you come to us with a cliché, we can tactfully help you navigate beyond it.  For more information or to schedule a consultation, I can be reached at 609-601-6612.  Find my page on Facebook too!

Best,

Stephanie

Season of Change

Its that time of year again... Back to School time.  I know all of the teachers out there are groaning.  But I think its fair to say that most people have fond memories of the excitement of late August/early September.  Parents take their kids shopping for new school clothes, many scour Pinterest for easy crockpot weeknight meals,  and we set goals for ourselves and our children.  Of course, I would be remiss if I did not mention a big seasonal attention grabber.... "Are you ready for some football!!!???"  The excitement of Autumn cannot be denied.  Unfortunately, the flip side to the excitement is the stress associated with busier schedules, and the reality of relationships that are less than stellar.

Today's post is to give some points to consider when making your own goal for the school year.  If you're considering divorce or seeking a change in custody or support, you should consult with an attorney.  A simple consultation with an experienced attorney will give you an idea of what to expect.  The attorney will tell you what documents are needed to pursue your goal and can usually give you a general idea of how long the process may take.  You will also be given information on the attorney's hourly rate and retainer requirement.  We all know money is a significant factor.  You may need to plan ahead for the necessary expense associated with divorce or a support motion.

A recent article in "U.S. News & World Reports" titled "7 Financial Steps to Take When Getting a Divorce" discusses the importance of having a team of experts on your side, including an experienced attorney, a financial analyst and a mental health counselor.  Divorce and co-parenting are stressful.  You will need to vent to someone objective. 

Having your important paperwork organized for your attorney will help you gain familiarity with the finances and help maximize the time your spend with your lawyer.  In addition, getting a copy of your credit report and making sure you have at least one credit card in your own name is also a good idea - both for clarifying your financial exposure, but also to plan for when you're on your own.   Sketching out a budget - using various financial scenarios - can also help clarify your goal. 

Take advantage of the excitement in the Autumn air and do something for yourself this back-to-school season. 

For more information, I can be reached at 609-601-6600.  Find my page on Facebook too!

Best,

Stephanie  

It's Your Divorce, Not Theirs

When you get divorced, its only natural for your friends or family members to lend "support" by giving advice regarding everything from picking the right lawyer to whether you should get to keep the the bedroom furniture or the coffee table.  The problem however, is that friends and family members have no business putting their well-meaning nose into your divorce.  They might think they are helping, but they're not.  

The attached article from blogger Marc Baer with The Huffington Post   http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mark-baer/when-divorcing-beware-of-_b_7876508.html explains that divorcing people tend to attract well-meaning friends, relatives and bystanders who think they should offer advice on how to manage the divorce.  The common result, unfortunately, is to fuel conflict, panic and aggression in the divorcing person which prolongs the divorce and complicates the resolution process.

The job of a divorce or family lawyer is to clearly explain the law and how it relates to the facts of a client's case, and then use the law to advocate for what the client wants, provided that goal is within the range of what's fair.   The job or your friends and family is to listen, offer encouragement and provide companionship both during and after the divorce.

For more information, I can be reached at 609-601-6600 and spedrick@youngbloodlegal.com 

Best,

Stephanie Pedrick  

Emancipation Proclamation

Emancipation in the child support world is either a day of great relief or a day of dread depending upon which side of the equation you sit.  Are you the child support payor?  Then you likely have been eyeing that light at the end of the tunnel for years.  If you are the payee however, you're probably dreading the loss of that financial contribution.

As I tell my payor clients, you have the right to seek emancipation of your child.  Do not feel guilty.  You have supported your child as you were legally obligated to do, and now it is time for that child to help support his or herself.  After all, it's not as though you will never buy your child another lunch or dinner.  Most parents will continue to assist their children even after emancipation.  Let's be honest, most of us have an elderly parent who still wants to help out financially occasionally.  And if you are the payee, well, again; as I tell my clients, child support technically belongs to the child.  And when that child has grown and become his or her own person, it is time for the support to end. 

The big question obviously is when?  When is it appropriate to seek emancipation?  In New Jersey, parents are required to contribute to the support of their children until they have "moved beyond the realm of parental influence".  That's a fancy way of saying that they are capable of supporting themselves.  As long as a child is still in school - usually until they have received an undergraduate degree, child support will continue.  Attendance at a trade school would also apply.  A child who graduates high school and does not pursue any additional education will need to seek employment.  He or she cannot  just sit on the couch all day, nor can they take a year off to explore the world and expect their parent to continue to pay child support.

The facts of each case are different.   The status of your local economy can also impact the court's decision.  Failure to look for a job is different than failing to find a job.  If a child is still truly dependant on his or her parents for support then a court may consider such facts in deciding the motion.

Talk with an attorney for more information and a professional opinion on the facts of your case.  I can  be reached at 609-601-6600.

Best,

Stephanie

The Difference between Power of Attorney and Guardianship

There are times in our lives when we rely on our parents, become a parent, or need "parental" oversight.  When we are young, our parents protect us, teach us, play with us and help us grow.  When we become a parent, we do these things for our own children.  And when our parents become older, we are often called upon to take a parental role in their lives.  Sometimes our parents ask us for help; other times, we must initiate legal action to allow it.

Parents of disabled children often must continue their parental role, even after their "child" reaches the age of 18.  Many are surprised to learn that they cannot legally conduct their adult disabled child's affairs without obtaining guardianship.

Many people have heard the term "Power of Attorney", but few really know what it means.  It sounds so formal, almost regal.  But in reality, it is simply a document that grants authority in another to conduct business and affairs that we would do for ourselves, if we were able.  For instance, a person could suddenly be injured in an accident that leaves them unable to pay their bills or manage their affairs.  The Power of Attorney that that person executed will go into effect and allow their agent (friend, adult child, etc.) to pay bills, have access to bank accounts, manage, buy or sell real estate, or negotiate other business on their behalf.  The key is that the Power of Attorney was executed before the person became ill or incapacitated. 

So what happens if a person never executed such a document but becomes injured, or starts showing signs of dementia or Alzheimer's?  It is too late for a Power of Attorney; once a person becomes incapacitated, they lack the legal standing to draft a Will, Power of Attorney or other legal document.  A Guardianship action is now the only answer.  In simple terms, a Power of Attorney is voluntary; a Guardianship is involuntary.

We all know someone who was tragically hurt, or whose parent is failing, physically and mentally.  They aren't taking care of themselves, the bills are not getting paid, or they are putting trust in strangers who are taking advantage of their vulnerable status.  When these things happen, it is time to seek Guardianship.   Similarly, when children with developmental disabilities reach the age of 18, their parents must initiate a guardianship action so that they may  legally make decisions for their adult child.  

A Guardianship essentially strips the "incapacitated person" of their freedom and independence; that which our Constitution stands to protect.  As a result, courts take guardianship actions very seriously and will not appoint a guardian for another unless it is clear that the individual is incapacitated to the extent that they are unable to manage their affairs.  A Guardianship requires the testimony or certification of at least two physicians who have examined the individual and opined that the person lacks the ability to care for him or herself or the capacity to understand the consequences of their actions.  The Court will also appoint an attorney to represent the alleged incapacitated person to conduct an independent inquiry into the person's mental and physical condition, as well as interview and evaluate the person seeking guardianship to ensure there is no mal-intent.  The attorney will report to the court on whether the alleged incapacitated person truly needs a guardian, and whether the proposed guardian will take appropriate care of the incapacitated individual and honor the incapacitated person's wishes and desires as best as possible.    It is a process that is certainly more expensive than a Power of Attorney, and can take 6-12 weeks, on average, to complete.

The best advice is to prepare a Power of Attorney while you are still mentally and physically healthy.  This will permit your family or friends to care for you and your affairs immediately in the event you become incapacitated.  For parents of disabled children, see a lawyer in advance so you are prepared to establish guardianship when your child turns 18. 

For more information, I can be reached at 609-601-6612 or spedrick@youngbloodlegal.com.  I look forward to working on your behalf.

Stephanie Pedrick

Celebrating a Child's Graduation As a Divorced Parent

Its that time of year... graduation season.  When your child is graduating; whether from high school or college, you are likely to experience tension or stress in experiencing this milestone with your Ex.  Don't let your feelings, past or present, toward your Ex get in the way of your joy for your child.  Here are some simple tips for getting through the event with your emotions intact:

1.  Take the initiative and contact your Ex in advance:  If you know your Ex or soon-to-be-ex will be attending the graduation or celebratory event, see if you can agree not to discuss the divorce or any emotionally charged issues such as financing for college, or who was there for all the late-night projects during school.  Chances are, you've already argued these issues ad nauseam, or you'll have plenty of time to iron out the details of the issue later.  Just agree to grin and bear it.   Put a smile on your faces for your kid's sake.

2.  Reassure your Child of your well-being.   Parents often pretend that their kids don't know about their resentful feelings toward the Ex; but the reality is, all too often, the kids have heard the snide remarks or have felt the animosity.  Don't let your kids think they shouldn't celebrate because it might cause you angst.  Take the time to quietly reassure them that they have a right to be proud, a right to be happy and a right to expect family to peacefully celebrate with them.

3.  Respect the unexpected Guest.  If your Ex has a new spouse or partner, its natural to feel uncomfortable.  But if your former spouse wants to bring along their new partner, you really don't have the authority to say no.  Going solo can feel isolating, so bring along a friend or other relative to stand by your side to help you feel more secure.

4.  Celebrations big and small:  If a graduation party is being planned, try to negotiate a neutral location to eliminate any perceived "home turf" advantage.  Ideas include restaurants, banquet halls or parks.  If that isn't feasible, then host a smaller event separate from your Ex.  Be sure to keep the guest list limited to your side of the family or your friends.  Don't overlap the guest list or try to out-do your Ex on the grandiosity of the event.  A small intimate celebration can sometimes be more enjoyable and can even keep costs down.

5.  Understand that your emotions are normal.  Know that feelings such as regret, resentment, remorse, anger or sadness are all normal emotions for divorced couples.  Those feelings soften over time, but significant milestones for your children are likely to dredge them back up.  Expect them, try to manage them, and maybe have a plan in place in case you become overwhelmed.  Sit near the door for easy exit to get some air or a cold drink.  Pull yourself together and go back in.  It will be over soon enough.

The above tips work just as well for weddings too!  Enjoy the season and these precious milestones!

For more information regarding divorce and family law issues, schedule a consultation.  I can be reached at 609-601-6600.  For interesting posts and helpful links, Like my professional Facebook page.

Best,

Stephanie

PARENTAL ALIENATION: SUBTLE AGGRESSION

The term "parental alienation" has been tossed around for years.  In New Jersey however, it is not a formally recognized cause of action.   As recently as 2014 the New Jersey Appellate Division reversed a trial court for basing a custody determination on eight Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) criteria that the trial judge drew from literature and non-expert testimony, rather than from reliable scientific data accepted within the scientific community.  To date, PAS remains a novel concept and is the subject of ongoing controversy.  

Custody in New Jersey is determined by consideration of the statutory factors set forth in N.J.S.A. 9:2-4, which includes factors relating to the parents' ability to agree, communicate and cooperate in matters relating to the child; as well as the fitness of each parent.  As such, conduct often considered to be "alienating" could be considered by the Court in relation to these and other factors when making a custody decision

The worst part about parental alienation is its subtlety.  It is rarely obvious, at least at first, and by the time the target parent realizes it is happening, the damage may have already been done.  Alienating conduct can come in many forms and is essentially defined as improperly involving the children in the divorce or custody dispute.  Examples include:

• Telling the children that you give all of your money to the other parent so you can't buy them anything;
• Telling the children to ask their other parent to buy them what they want because you cannot afford it;
• Portraying yourself as a victim in front of your children which causes them to feel they need to protect you from the other parent; or
• Empowering the children to make decisions they should not be making (such as by giving them an apparent choice of whether to visit with mommy or daddy) and then saying you are abiding by their decision.

These actions put the children in an emotional and psychological tug of war between the parents and within themselves to pick a side.  Parents who engage in this behavior are more likely trying to control or hurt the other parent.  But the harm inflicted upon the children should not be underestimated.  Further, while we often consider parental alienation in the context of young children, it can be just as damaging to older, nearly grown children.  

Bottom line... your children have no business being exposed to your divorce woes.    

For more information I can be reached at 609-601-6600 or spedrick@youngbloodlegal.com.  Visit my Facebook page:  www.facebook.com/StephanieAlbrechtPedrick.Esq