Spring Training for Family Law

Family Law issues are rife with emotional highs and lows.  Whether you are in an unsatisfying relationship, need an increase in child support, or are trying to figure out how you and your ex will pay for your children's college expenses; family issues are usually always stressful.  Changes in your everyday routine can exacerbate that stress.  The holiday season is an obvious example of when our routines are shaken up.  But even seemingly innocuous changes in life, like the change in seasons, can cause increased tension.  Here are six tips to help you get through it, and prepare for action.

1.  First of all, make a resolution.  We typically think of New Year’s Resolutions, but the Spring season is a time of new beginnings.  We observe it every year when we begin to hear birds chirping in the morning, or when the crocuses start popping through the soil.   Spring is the start of new sports; our kids put away their football cleats and dig out the lacrosse sticks, and our favorite baseball team starts "spring  training".   So start your own "spring training"; set a goal to get out of a bad relationship or file a motion to modify support.  It can be a very empowering decision.  It can be your New Beginning.  

2.  Start gathering documents.  Your attorney will need bank statements, your last tax return, 3 paystubs from each party and information on utility bills, mortgage or rent payments.  

3.  Determine your goal.  Do you want primary physical custody of your children?  Do you want to remain in the  marital home?  Do you need more child support because you lost a job?  Have a primary goal and a secondary goal. 

4.  Talk it out.  Talk to a friend, clergy member or counselor.   Being able to vent your feelings can help you focus on what you really want.  You must be able to calmly express yourself to your lawyer.

5.  Retain an attorney.  Ask friends for recommendations and then schedule a consultation (or two).  You need to feel comfortable with your lawyer.  The essence of a lawyer/client relationship is trust.  If you feel comfortable with and trust your lawyer, you will more than likely be happy with the end results.

6.  Last but not least, take care of yourself.  Now that the weather is getting nicer, go outside and get some fresh air; get a manicure or have dinner with a friend; play a pick-up game with your buddies or grab a beer after work.  It’s okay to laugh and have fun, even when you’re going through a difficult time.

Take some silent pleasure when you hear those birds in the morning.  Its nature's message to you -- start spring training and be responsible for your own "New Beginning".

For more information or to schedule a consultation, I can be reached at 609-601-6600.   For interesting posts and helpful links, "Like" my professional Facebook page. 

Best,

Stephanie

RETIREMENT: AN ALIMONY PAYOR'S LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL

As a lawyer, I love "new law".  When the legislature enacts a new statute or law that impacts my practice, it can be fun.  It mixes things up.  If the law never changed or evolved there would be very little to legitimately debate on a daily basis.  New law creates opportunity for people, and it creates new argument for lawyers.  The Alimony Reform Act of 2014 is "new law".  Although the Reform Act is about 17 months old, it is still considered "new", and it created opportunity for retirees to end their alimony obligation.  It also created arguments for lawyers.

Prior to the Alimony Reform Act of 2014, an obligor who desired to retire was nevertheless still obligated to pay spousal support pursuant to the existing Order for support unless he or she could establish, in the eyes of the Court, that the advantage to the retiring payor spouse substantially outweighed the disadvantage to the payee.  Many obligors felt trapped in an obligation such that they could never fully retire or slow down to enjoy the sunset of their lives.  The Alimony Reform Act, approved on September 10, 2014, sought to provide relief for retirees strapped with a permanent alimony obligation.  The Reform Act, which amended the existing statute, N.J.S.A. 2A:34-23, added an entirely new subsection devoted to retirement. 

N.J.S.A. 2A:34-23 (j)(1) states that there shall be a rebuttable presumption that alimony shall terminate upon the obligor spouse or partner attaining full retirement  age.  "Full retirement age” is defined by the Social Security Administration and depends upon the year of one’s birth.  Currently, for obligors who were born in 1960 or later, full retirement age is defined as age 67.  This rebuttable presumption only applies to divorces that take place after the effective date of the Act.  Importantly, notice that the presumption of termination can be overcome.  The statute and its new subsection (j)(1) sets forth several factors that an obligee (the spouse who receives the alimony payment) can argue for a continuation of alimony despite the payor's retirement.  The new subsection of the statute, at (j)(2) also addresses the situation when a payor desires to retire "early"; as in, prior to their defined full retirement age.  That analysis requires the Court to evaluate a different set of factors.

But what about situations where the alimony award was entered prior to the effective date of the Act?   (In other words, all of the divorces granted before September 10, 2014)   The Reform Act sought to address that issue too and set forth yet another list of factors that a court must consider under subsection (j)(3).  

As lawyers, we thought we understood it.  Even though there was no caselaw yet interpreting the statute, the language of the new subsection (j) seemed clear.  But in November 2015, the New Jersey Appellate Division decided a case that left family lawyers scratching our heads in puzzlement.  The results of that case caused confusion as to which part of the statue applied in retirement cases.  It was (and is) a big deal because there are different standards and burdens of proof depending upon which part of the statute is applicable in a given circumstance.   Yesterday, February 22, 2016, we received clarity.  The Appellate Division decided another case and specifically delineated which part of a statute applies. 

The bottom line is this:  if you pay alimony and want to retire and terminate your support obligation, you can.  There is a way out.  There is a light at the end of the tunnel.  You just need to  make the right argument to the Court.  A good lawyer, knowledgeable on the law and its new developments, will know which factors of the statute apply to your case and will make an effective argument on your behalf.

For more information or to schedule a consultation, I can be reached at 609-601-6600.  For daily posts with interesting articles and links, "Like" my professional Facebook page.

Have a great day,

Stephanie

 

Getting a Divorce?... Act Like A Celebrity.

Going through a divorce is difficult for many reasons.  Managing the drama, rumors and nosiness of practical strangers is probably the least planned-for problem you will encounter.  When people hear that their friend or neighbor is getting a divorce, rumors immediately start flying.  Maybe it was financial problems, maybe he was a gambler, or she was a drinker, drugs, infidelity; you name it, people will speculate about it.  Regardless, it is none of their business.  Your family will want to know the nitty gritty too.  And most of the time, its none of their business either.

How do you handle these questions?  How do you manage the rumors?  How do celebrities do it?  Simple; they issue a publicity statement.   I know, it sounds so formal and unnecessary.  After all, you're just a regular couple living in a regular town with regular cars, kids and regular stuff.   But the attention you might start to receive after word of your divorce gets out, is, in a small scale form, "publicity". 

What Is A Divorce Publicity Statement?

A divorce publicity statement is a short and concise statement that you and your spouse agree to make either in advance of your announcement of divorce, or any time someone asks a question.  It could be as simple as:

"After much thought and careful consideration, we have made the difficult decision to divorce."  - Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner

You could also say something like "I (we) know everyone is concerned, but we would prefer to keep things private and quietly move forward."

People will get the hint.  True, some people will still talk behind your back, or gossip at the mailbox, but they probably won't bother you about it and eventually another, more juicy, story will surface and those gossip mongers will move on.

What If You And Your Spouse Don't Agree on a Publicity Statement?

It is entirely possible that you and your spouse will not agree on a divorce statement.  Considering you are getting divorced, the likelihood of agreement on this issue is small.   But you can still have a divorce statement prepared for when those nosy friends and relatives start asking you questions.  By doing so, you are taking control of your own situation and managing the chaos. 

If your spouse starts saying things about you or your divorce that you disagree with, your divorce statement could be something like this:  "I am sure you know that  not everything you hear is true.  I have decided not to discuss my divorce.  My truth is known to me and that is enough."

No one can force you to be drawn into a dialog about your personal issues.  Take control and have a statement prepared.  You might feel awkward saying it at first, but the more you say it, the more confident you will feel.

For more information about divorce, family law or guardianship issues, schedule a consultation.  I can be reached at 609-601-6600.  For informative posts and interesting links, "Like" and Share my professional Facebook page.

Best,

Stephanie

 

Why Lawyers Cringe At The "F" Word In Divorce.

Oh, that word.  That horrible, caustic, offensive word.  Fair.  I cringe just writing it.   Very few things in life are fair.  Our loved ones die, its not fair.  Kids fight over toys, its not fair.  And, your ex will get overnight parenting time or part of your retirement account; is it fair? 

In the legal system, we aim for objective justice.  You know the saying, "Justice is blind".  Justice must be blind.  If decisions were based on subjective feelings, they would be unavoidably slanted or biased.   So yes, most times, justice is blind.  But inevitably one party to a dispute will always feel that the result was not "fair".  Let's face it, unless you get everything you want, you lose at least partially.

As a family lawyer, one of the hardest parts of my job is managing client expectations.  When a client comes to me with an expectation or hope that I know is unrealistic, I gently but firmly help them understand that the court will seek justice, and if one party gets everything, (except in rare cases) it would be unjust, and hence "unfair".  

Most judges who sit in family division will tell litigants that it is in their best interest to settle their dispute.  A settlement is a compromise, and that means you give something up.  In other words, you let the other side win a little bit.   If you do this, you are in control.  If you let the court decide the case, you are not in control, and you might end up losing more than you were willing to give up in the first place.  Or, you might end up with a result that would be entirely different, and less desirable, than if you had taken an emotional step back and compromised for the sake of settlement.  And when you make those choices yourself, you are more likely to feel that you got a "fair" result.

Don't get me wrong, I am not suggesting that you give up the fight and throw in the towel.  That would certainly not seem fair, nor would justice be served.  I am merely pointing out that what feels fair to you, will feel unfair to someone else, and that my friends, is called justice.

Do yourself a favor, hire a lawyer.  Lawyers are emotionally uninvolved in your dispute.  We can see things more objectively than you.  Not only do we know the law, but we can help you navigate the "fairness" bell curve and serve as a buffer between you and your soon-to-be-ex, which will hopefully bring a resolution that you will feel is.....Fair.

For more information or to schedule a consultation, I can be reached at 609-601-6600.  For informative posts and interesting links, "Like"my Facebook page.

Best,

Stephanie 

How To Smile Through The Holidays After Divorce

The Internet is flooded with articles and suggestions for how to survive the holidays after a divorce.  Most of them focus on how to help your children get through the holidays and adapt to two households instead of one.  Very few address the truly single person.  Adults experience sadness or even identity crises following divorce, especially around the holidays.  So  with Thanksgiving less than two days away, I offer my own tips for the newly minted single you.

1.  Pretend you are 20 years old.  Sleep in late, read that book you never have time to read, watch Planes, Trains & Automobiles or Home Alone.  No one can get through those movies without laughing at least once.  

2.  Take someone up on their invitation.  You have probably received at least one invitation to come for Thanksgiving or Christmas.  Accept.  The distractions of chatting with new people or enjoying the company of people you have no ties to might be an easy mental break.

3.  Stay off the Internet.  For one day.  Resist the urge to check Facebook or email,   It will likely be filled with everyone's seemingly fun and happy pictures or greetings.  But to someone going through their first holiday after a divorce, it can be depressing to think that the rest of the world is happy and fabulous.  Although, the reality is its probably not true.  Facebook is filled with the illusion of perfection and constant happiness.  In the real world people are grumpy, tired and frustrated too.  Just stay off the Internet for one day.

4.  Indulge, but don't overdo it.  Have that piece of pumpkin pie or that second glass of wine.  But keep your wits about you.  Intoxication can lead to exaggerated emotions or impulsive and possibly dangerous behavior.  

5.  Go shopping.  Even if you're the type who believes the stores should stay closed on Thanksgiving, take advantage of the fact that you have no one to report to but yourself.  No one will care if you skip the Turkey in favor of Target.  

Of course, I am not a psychologist or counselor.  I am merely an attorney.  The above tips come from my years of experience in hearing my clients' stories, plus a dash of my own personal touch.   

Keep smiling, and Happy Thanksgiving.

Best,

Stephanie

Code of the Ring: Who Keeps The Engagement Ring?

Its a centuries old question, the answer to which has evolved over time:  Who gets to keep an engagement ring if the engagement is broken? 

First, a mini history lesson: In ancient Rome the rule on the issue was fault based.  When the woman broke the engagement, she was required to return both the ring and its value as a penalty.  No penalty would attach if the man broke the engagement.  In ancient England, women were oppressed by the rigid social order of the day.  They worked as servants, or if not of the servant class, they were dependent on their relatives.  Men were in short supply and marriage above one's "station" or social class was rare.  Most often, marriages were arranged.  Women either married or became nuns.  Because men were much more likely to break an engagement and leave the woman behind with a tainted reputation and ruined prospects, the woman was permitted to keep the ring as a sort of consolation prize.  If the man was jilted, rare though it was, he was entitled to keep the ring.

As the law developed in modern culture, different theories emerged.  Many states in our country retained the fault based theory, but eliminated the "value penalty"; if the woman broke the engagement, she must return the ring; if the break up was the fault of the man, the woman kept the ring.  A few states, including New Jersey, take a minority view; that is, an engagement ring is a symbol or pledge of the coming marriage and signifies that the one who wears it is engaged to marry the man who gave it to her.  If the engagement is broken, the ring must be returned since it was a conditional gift.  The law implies a condition because of the symbolic significance of the ring.  It does not matter who broke the engagement.  The reality is, the gift was conditional (that a marriage would follow) and when the condition is not fulfilled, the symbolic gift should be returned.

But what happens when the parties do marry, but decide to divorce one, two or twenty years later?  That's an easy answer: the ring was a conditional gift and the condition was fulfilled when the marriage took place.  The woman keeps the ring.

For more information or to schedule a consultation, I can be reached at 609-601-6600.  Visit and Like my professional Facebook page for informative posts related to family law and guardianships.  Like and Share!

Best,

Stephanie 

Palimony: A More Relevant Ideal For Today's Modern Relationships.

In today's contemporary world, it is common for men and women to cohabit with their romantic partner without contemplation of marriage.  Many relationships mimic a marriage without the legal tie. 

When a marriage ends, all of the assets and debts of each spouse must be distributed pursuant to the principle of "equitable distribution".  Recognizing that it costs more for two people to live separately than it does to live together, the goal in New Jersey is to equitably distribute the wealth and debt accumulated between the parties during the marriage so as to leave each party reasonably capable of maintaining a similar lifestyle after the marriage ends.  Generally, each spouse has an equitable interest in the assets (and debts) of the other spouse, and upon divorce, the court must determine the value of that interest in order to carry out the equitable distribution scheme.

In the absence of marriage, there is no right or "equitable interest" in the assets of the other partner.  Nor is there any equitable obligation to the debts in the name of the other partner.  Likewise, there is no entitlement for support even if one partner became financially dependent on the other during a long term period of cohabitation.  The only way to guarantee some financial security in the event of a breakup is to enter into a written palimony agreement.  Palimony refers to financial support from one person to another when a long-term, non-marital relationship ends.  It is generally given to a person who became financially dependent on the other person, relying on express or implied promises that his or her significant other would support him or her financially for the rest of their lives. Prior to 2010, claims for palimony in New Jersey were permitted when a promise of lifetime support was broken.  Since 2010 however, New Jersey law provides that palimony agreements are only enforceable if the couple creates a written agreement with an attorney. 

In the absence of a written palimony agreement, issues regarding the division of property such as a home or car can be complicated if the property was purchased in both names.   An action for partition may be necessary.  If a couple also has children, all issues will likely be determined in the family court system. 

If you and your partner cohabit but elect not to enter into marriage, make sure you understand the potential financial ramifications of the decisions you  make as a familial unit.  There is nothing wrong with proactively securing your future financial rights by way of a written palimony agreement.

For more information or to schedule a consultation, I can be reached at 609-601-6600.  Visit and Like my professional Facebook page for informative posts relative to family law and guardianships.  Like and Share!

Happy Friday,

Stephanie

Can I Represent Myself in Family Court?

Are you the Do-It-Yourself  (DIY) type?  Many people are very self-reliant.  They are intelligent, have a college education, access to a computer (hey, you found this blog) and consider themselves quite practical.  These people paint their own living room, change their car's oil, research grass/lawn care and have a fabulous lush green front yard.  These people might even fix their own sink if it clogs, and they never panic at the sight of blood.  So naturally, they are confident that they can handle their own divorce, or arrange a custody or child support order.

So, why should you hire a lawyer to handle these pesky little legal issues?  Sorry, I cannot answer that question for you.  I am not a salesman and I will not waste time trying to convince you that you need me as your lawyer.  Only you can make that decision.   However, as you mull this decision over, as I am sure you will, consider the following.

Those who are Pro-se (do you know what that word means?) are expected to know the Rules of Court.  At last count, it is a 2,830 page book.  Are you Plaintiff or Defendant?  What if you have an existing Court Order and you want it modified - are you still the same Plaintiff and Defendant from the first order? 

To what are you entitled in a divorce action?  What if your spouse cheated?  Shouldn't the scum of the earth pay for it?  What about that 401K that you diligently saved?  Its all yours, right?  Or is it?  What about the money you inherited from your father?  Or the credit card debt that your spouse racked up re-decorating the house - you never wanted that 50" Smart TV, or the X-box, or the fancy throw pillows.  Best Buy and Bed Bath & Beyond don't care.  So which spouse pays that bill?

Child support?  Just submit your paystubs and the court can figure it out.  Right - except for when the paystubs do not reflect the true income.  Then what?  What if you or your ex have children with other people?  Is that relevant?  What about college?  Who pays the tuition?  What if you believe the child should pursue the military instead?

DIY-ers can probably find all of this information by doing research.  But when are you going to do that research?  On your days off?  After work?  Issues in Family Court are not weekend projects like painting your living room or fixing the sink.  On average, an uncontested divorce - truly uncontested - takes about 3 months.  Mildly contested actions take at about a year, and highly contentious matters can last 2 years or more.  Even a motion for child support can take 2-3 months.  That's a long time to DIY, especially if it becomes emotionally draining, as most family issues do.

Think about it.  Yes, you can DIY if you are willing and able to invest the time and energy (physical and emotional) that is required.  Or, you can hire a lawyer who already knows these answers.  Then you can spend your weekend with your children, or changing your oil, or working on your yard.  Maybe you could even - (gasp!) - meet a match at Starbucks!

Putting all sarcasm aside.... if you decide to DIY, good luck.  If you decide to hire a lawyer, make sure you are comfortable.  A good fit between attorney and client makes for a happier ending.

For more information or to schedule an appointment, I can be reached at 609-601-6600.  Find and Like my professional Facebook page for informative posts to like and share!

Best,

Stephanie

Co-parent or Parallel-parent: What style fits you?

Divorced or separated parents come in all shapes and sizes, ages, races and socio-economic backgrounds.  But they all either get along, or don't. 

In thinking about this issue, I came across a great article Co-Parenting vs. Parallel Parenting: Which Approach Is Best for Your Family?  The article explains that parents who can get along with their ex are often very successful as "co-parents".  They communicate with eachother in a non-confrontational way, they are flexible with eachother as plans change, and they support eachother in enforcing rules or punishments.  In short, they work together for the benefit of their children.

Ideally, all parents would co-parent and we would all live happily ever after.  But the real world is full of conflict and tension, especially between exes.  Children of these parents still need the support of both parents and the parents still probably want the best for their children; albeit in a different style than their ex.  Co-parenting does not work for these high-conflict parents.  Instead, "Parallel parenting" is a better choice.     Parallel parenting plans must be highly structured and detail oriented.  A back-up or "Plan B" is a good idea in the event of unforeseen circumstances such as changes in a parent's schedule on any given day.  The goal of parallel parenting is to support the disengagement of the parents so that there is less opportunity for conflict and resulting emotional harm to the children.  Rules should be established such as curb-side drop-off, neutral location drop-off or email-only communication. 

As the children grow and mature, parenting plans will need to be modified to accommodate changes in routine and school obligations.  Hopefully in the meantime,  parents can establish a workable parenting plan or style conducive to their level of tension with their ex.

For more information and to schedule a consultation I can be reached at 609-601-6600.  I would also encourage you to Like my professional  Facebook page for informative posts regarding family law or guardianship issues.

Have a great weekend!

Stephanie

The Name Game

Recently I was asked who gets to choose the last name of a newborn child?  Typically, this issue comes up when a child is born to parents who are not married.  After the birth, the mother is usually given a form to fill out in the hospital "naming" the child and identifying the mother and father.  This information is used to create the birth certificate for the child.  So what happens when the mother and father each want the child to have their last name; who wins the debate?  If the parents cannot agree, then the mother's choice will likely prevail. 

The common theme in New Jersey in issues relating to children is "the best interest of the child".  Once again, our courts utilize this standard when deciding disputes over a child's name.  There is a strong presumption that the name selected by the custodial parent is in the child's best interest.  Assuming the birthing mother is to have custody of the child, then the presumption is in favor of the mother's choice.  But if the mother was not to have custody; in an adoption case for example, then the adopting (custodial) parents' choice would prevail.   

There are also circumstances where a parent seeks to change a child's last name.  For example, a step-parent decides to adopt their step-child.  Should the child's name automatically change to that of the step-parent?  Or, what if custody changes; will the new custodial parent get to change the child's name without question?  The courts will always look to the best interest of the child.  Evidence that a child has used another parent's name for a period of time, or if the child has a level of comfort with a certain name, will weaken the custodial parent's choice.  Other factors that our courts examine include the length of time that the child used one surname; the identification of the child as a member of a family unit; the potential anxiety or embarrassment a child might experience if their surname is different from the custodial parent and any preference that the child might express, if sufficiently mature to express same.

There is rarely a bright line rule.  Family  matters are always fact sensitive.  What is right for one family or child may not be for another.  You should always consult with an experienced family law attorney for advice specific to your case. 

For more information, or to schedule a consultation I can be reached at 609-601-6600.  For daily posts and information on family law and guardianships, I invite you to like my page on Facebook.

Have a great week!

Stephanie

Celebrating a Child's Graduation As a Divorced Parent

Its that time of year... graduation season.  When your child is graduating; whether from high school or college, you are likely to experience tension or stress in experiencing this milestone with your Ex.  Don't let your feelings, past or present, toward your Ex get in the way of your joy for your child.  Here are some simple tips for getting through the event with your emotions intact:

1.  Take the initiative and contact your Ex in advance:  If you know your Ex or soon-to-be-ex will be attending the graduation or celebratory event, see if you can agree not to discuss the divorce or any emotionally charged issues such as financing for college, or who was there for all the late-night projects during school.  Chances are, you've already argued these issues ad nauseam, or you'll have plenty of time to iron out the details of the issue later.  Just agree to grin and bear it.   Put a smile on your faces for your kid's sake.

2.  Reassure your Child of your well-being.   Parents often pretend that their kids don't know about their resentful feelings toward the Ex; but the reality is, all too often, the kids have heard the snide remarks or have felt the animosity.  Don't let your kids think they shouldn't celebrate because it might cause you angst.  Take the time to quietly reassure them that they have a right to be proud, a right to be happy and a right to expect family to peacefully celebrate with them.

3.  Respect the unexpected Guest.  If your Ex has a new spouse or partner, its natural to feel uncomfortable.  But if your former spouse wants to bring along their new partner, you really don't have the authority to say no.  Going solo can feel isolating, so bring along a friend or other relative to stand by your side to help you feel more secure.

4.  Celebrations big and small:  If a graduation party is being planned, try to negotiate a neutral location to eliminate any perceived "home turf" advantage.  Ideas include restaurants, banquet halls or parks.  If that isn't feasible, then host a smaller event separate from your Ex.  Be sure to keep the guest list limited to your side of the family or your friends.  Don't overlap the guest list or try to out-do your Ex on the grandiosity of the event.  A small intimate celebration can sometimes be more enjoyable and can even keep costs down.

5.  Understand that your emotions are normal.  Know that feelings such as regret, resentment, remorse, anger or sadness are all normal emotions for divorced couples.  Those feelings soften over time, but significant milestones for your children are likely to dredge them back up.  Expect them, try to manage them, and maybe have a plan in place in case you become overwhelmed.  Sit near the door for easy exit to get some air or a cold drink.  Pull yourself together and go back in.  It will be over soon enough.

The above tips work just as well for weddings too!  Enjoy the season and these precious milestones!

For more information regarding divorce and family law issues, schedule a consultation.  I can be reached at 609-601-6600.  For interesting posts and helpful links, Like my professional Facebook page.

Best,

Stephanie