How To Smile Through The Holidays After Divorce

The Internet is flooded with articles and suggestions for how to survive the holidays after a divorce.  Most of them focus on how to help your children get through the holidays and adapt to two households instead of one.  Very few address the truly single person.  Adults experience sadness or even identity crises following divorce, especially around the holidays.  So  with Thanksgiving less than two days away, I offer my own tips for the newly minted single you.

1.  Pretend you are 20 years old.  Sleep in late, read that book you never have time to read, watch Planes, Trains & Automobiles or Home Alone.  No one can get through those movies without laughing at least once.  

2.  Take someone up on their invitation.  You have probably received at least one invitation to come for Thanksgiving or Christmas.  Accept.  The distractions of chatting with new people or enjoying the company of people you have no ties to might be an easy mental break.

3.  Stay off the Internet.  For one day.  Resist the urge to check Facebook or email,   It will likely be filled with everyone's seemingly fun and happy pictures or greetings.  But to someone going through their first holiday after a divorce, it can be depressing to think that the rest of the world is happy and fabulous.  Although, the reality is its probably not true.  Facebook is filled with the illusion of perfection and constant happiness.  In the real world people are grumpy, tired and frustrated too.  Just stay off the Internet for one day.

4.  Indulge, but don't overdo it.  Have that piece of pumpkin pie or that second glass of wine.  But keep your wits about you.  Intoxication can lead to exaggerated emotions or impulsive and possibly dangerous behavior.  

5.  Go shopping.  Even if you're the type who believes the stores should stay closed on Thanksgiving, take advantage of the fact that you have no one to report to but yourself.  No one will care if you skip the Turkey in favor of Target.  

Of course, I am not a psychologist or counselor.  I am merely an attorney.  The above tips come from my years of experience in hearing my clients' stories, plus a dash of my own personal touch.   

Keep smiling, and Happy Thanksgiving.

Best,

Stephanie

Code of the Ring: Who Keeps The Engagement Ring?

Its a centuries old question, the answer to which has evolved over time:  Who gets to keep an engagement ring if the engagement is broken? 

First, a mini history lesson: In ancient Rome the rule on the issue was fault based.  When the woman broke the engagement, she was required to return both the ring and its value as a penalty.  No penalty would attach if the man broke the engagement.  In ancient England, women were oppressed by the rigid social order of the day.  They worked as servants, or if not of the servant class, they were dependent on their relatives.  Men were in short supply and marriage above one's "station" or social class was rare.  Most often, marriages were arranged.  Women either married or became nuns.  Because men were much more likely to break an engagement and leave the woman behind with a tainted reputation and ruined prospects, the woman was permitted to keep the ring as a sort of consolation prize.  If the man was jilted, rare though it was, he was entitled to keep the ring.

As the law developed in modern culture, different theories emerged.  Many states in our country retained the fault based theory, but eliminated the "value penalty"; if the woman broke the engagement, she must return the ring; if the break up was the fault of the man, the woman kept the ring.  A few states, including New Jersey, take a minority view; that is, an engagement ring is a symbol or pledge of the coming marriage and signifies that the one who wears it is engaged to marry the man who gave it to her.  If the engagement is broken, the ring must be returned since it was a conditional gift.  The law implies a condition because of the symbolic significance of the ring.  It does not matter who broke the engagement.  The reality is, the gift was conditional (that a marriage would follow) and when the condition is not fulfilled, the symbolic gift should be returned.

But what happens when the parties do marry, but decide to divorce one, two or twenty years later?  That's an easy answer: the ring was a conditional gift and the condition was fulfilled when the marriage took place.  The woman keeps the ring.

For more information or to schedule a consultation, I can be reached at 609-601-6600.  Visit and Like my professional Facebook page for informative posts related to family law and guardianships.  Like and Share!

Best,

Stephanie 

Palimony: A More Relevant Ideal For Today's Modern Relationships.

In today's contemporary world, it is common for men and women to cohabit with their romantic partner without contemplation of marriage.  Many relationships mimic a marriage without the legal tie. 

When a marriage ends, all of the assets and debts of each spouse must be distributed pursuant to the principle of "equitable distribution".  Recognizing that it costs more for two people to live separately than it does to live together, the goal in New Jersey is to equitably distribute the wealth and debt accumulated between the parties during the marriage so as to leave each party reasonably capable of maintaining a similar lifestyle after the marriage ends.  Generally, each spouse has an equitable interest in the assets (and debts) of the other spouse, and upon divorce, the court must determine the value of that interest in order to carry out the equitable distribution scheme.

In the absence of marriage, there is no right or "equitable interest" in the assets of the other partner.  Nor is there any equitable obligation to the debts in the name of the other partner.  Likewise, there is no entitlement for support even if one partner became financially dependent on the other during a long term period of cohabitation.  The only way to guarantee some financial security in the event of a breakup is to enter into a written palimony agreement.  Palimony refers to financial support from one person to another when a long-term, non-marital relationship ends.  It is generally given to a person who became financially dependent on the other person, relying on express or implied promises that his or her significant other would support him or her financially for the rest of their lives. Prior to 2010, claims for palimony in New Jersey were permitted when a promise of lifetime support was broken.  Since 2010 however, New Jersey law provides that palimony agreements are only enforceable if the couple creates a written agreement with an attorney. 

In the absence of a written palimony agreement, issues regarding the division of property such as a home or car can be complicated if the property was purchased in both names.   An action for partition may be necessary.  If a couple also has children, all issues will likely be determined in the family court system. 

If you and your partner cohabit but elect not to enter into marriage, make sure you understand the potential financial ramifications of the decisions you  make as a familial unit.  There is nothing wrong with proactively securing your future financial rights by way of a written palimony agreement.

For more information or to schedule a consultation, I can be reached at 609-601-6600.  Visit and Like my professional Facebook page for informative posts relative to family law and guardianships.  Like and Share!

Happy Friday,

Stephanie

Write Your Will, Right Now.

I am sure you have heard the advice... you need a Will.  And you probably think to yourself, Why?  The answer is simple:   Because today could be your last day on earth.

You may be thinking that you do not have anything of value that anyone would want.  Are you sure about that?  Do you have a bank account?  A car?  A piece of jewelry?  Who do you want to get that money or those items (whatever the value) when you die?  You may be thinking that you do not have children, so it does not matter.  Let me explain why it does.

First I want to drive home the point that we really never know when we are going to pass.  The southern New Jersey legal community lost a judge last week.  The Honorable Allen J. Littlefield died suddenly at the age of 48.  He left behind a wife and two young children, his parents, siblings and in-laws.  It was a shock that we are all still processing.  His death was from natural causes.  But to most everyone who knew him - he seemed "fit as a fiddle".  His sudden and tragic death is a reminder that we should always have a plan in place.

Let's start with kids.  Are you a single parent?  Who will be the guardian for your children if you were to die suddenly?  In New Jersey, it is presumed that the other biological parent will assume responsibility and there is an inference that they are entitled to custody or guardianship.  If there are facts about this person that make you uncomfortable about that presumption - you ought to name a guardian in your Will.  The parent can always try to legally challenge the Will, but at least you will have indicated your preference and put the court on notice that this person is not necessarily the best choice.

Are you married to someone who has children from another relationship?  If you die intestate (without a Will), your spouse is legally entitled to inherit all of your estate.  And when your spouse later dies, everything that he or she inherited from you will go to (a) whomever they indicated in their Will; or (b) to all of their children, equally.  That means that whatever was yours prior to your death may later pass to a child unrelated to you.  There are ways to structure your Will to prevent that from happening. 

Maybe you are single, or happily married with no children, and you do not believe you have any assets or anything of value that requires the drafting of a Will.   That could be true.  Many people scrape by each month to pay bills; they don't own a home or a car and have nothing else of value.  But there are also many individuals who have a decent job, with a modest bank account, their car is paid off, or maybe there is some equity in their home.  If this is you, and you are single, then your estate will pass to your parents (if they are still living) or to your siblings.  Is that what you want?  Or would you like your brother to get your baseball card collection and your sister to get the car?  If you have a Will, you can express those wishes. 

Another reason to draft a Will is that you get to name an Executor.  The Executor is the person who is responsible for probating the Will and making sure your wishes are carried out.  This person should be someone you trust.  If you die without a Will, then the Court will appoint an Administrator - usually a family member, and that person will be required to post a bond.  A bond is an insurance policy in case the Administrator fails to manage your estate properly; i.e., does not properly handle the debt or the money in the estate.  If you name an Executor in your Will, you can also indicate that the bond requirement should be waived.  Getting a bond is not easy.  Anyone who has had any financial problems in their past is going to have a difficult time getting bonded.  Writing a Will makes everything easier for your family and friends after you die.

For people with large valued estates, there may be tax reasons for drafting a Will in a certain way.  Almost any lawyer can draft a simple Will.  An experienced estate lawyer can help identify more complex issues and explain why certain provisions might be best for you and ultimately best for your family. 

Its never too soon to write a Will.  For more information I can be reached at 609-601-6600.  For daily posts with  helpful information to like and share, find and Like my Facebook page.

Have a good week,

Stephanie

Can I Represent Myself in Family Court?

Are you the Do-It-Yourself  (DIY) type?  Many people are very self-reliant.  They are intelligent, have a college education, access to a computer (hey, you found this blog) and consider themselves quite practical.  These people paint their own living room, change their car's oil, research grass/lawn care and have a fabulous lush green front yard.  These people might even fix their own sink if it clogs, and they never panic at the sight of blood.  So naturally, they are confident that they can handle their own divorce, or arrange a custody or child support order.

So, why should you hire a lawyer to handle these pesky little legal issues?  Sorry, I cannot answer that question for you.  I am not a salesman and I will not waste time trying to convince you that you need me as your lawyer.  Only you can make that decision.   However, as you mull this decision over, as I am sure you will, consider the following.

Those who are Pro-se (do you know what that word means?) are expected to know the Rules of Court.  At last count, it is a 2,830 page book.  Are you Plaintiff or Defendant?  What if you have an existing Court Order and you want it modified - are you still the same Plaintiff and Defendant from the first order? 

To what are you entitled in a divorce action?  What if your spouse cheated?  Shouldn't the scum of the earth pay for it?  What about that 401K that you diligently saved?  Its all yours, right?  Or is it?  What about the money you inherited from your father?  Or the credit card debt that your spouse racked up re-decorating the house - you never wanted that 50" Smart TV, or the X-box, or the fancy throw pillows.  Best Buy and Bed Bath & Beyond don't care.  So which spouse pays that bill?

Child support?  Just submit your paystubs and the court can figure it out.  Right - except for when the paystubs do not reflect the true income.  Then what?  What if you or your ex have children with other people?  Is that relevant?  What about college?  Who pays the tuition?  What if you believe the child should pursue the military instead?

DIY-ers can probably find all of this information by doing research.  But when are you going to do that research?  On your days off?  After work?  Issues in Family Court are not weekend projects like painting your living room or fixing the sink.  On average, an uncontested divorce - truly uncontested - takes about 3 months.  Mildly contested actions take at about a year, and highly contentious matters can last 2 years or more.  Even a motion for child support can take 2-3 months.  That's a long time to DIY, especially if it becomes emotionally draining, as most family issues do.

Think about it.  Yes, you can DIY if you are willing and able to invest the time and energy (physical and emotional) that is required.  Or, you can hire a lawyer who already knows these answers.  Then you can spend your weekend with your children, or changing your oil, or working on your yard.  Maybe you could even - (gasp!) - meet a match at Starbucks!

Putting all sarcasm aside.... if you decide to DIY, good luck.  If you decide to hire a lawyer, make sure you are comfortable.  A good fit between attorney and client makes for a happier ending.

For more information or to schedule an appointment, I can be reached at 609-601-6600.  Find and Like my professional Facebook page for informative posts to like and share!

Best,

Stephanie

Co-parent or Parallel-parent: What style fits you?

Divorced or separated parents come in all shapes and sizes, ages, races and socio-economic backgrounds.  But they all either get along, or don't. 

In thinking about this issue, I came across a great article Co-Parenting vs. Parallel Parenting: Which Approach Is Best for Your Family?  The article explains that parents who can get along with their ex are often very successful as "co-parents".  They communicate with eachother in a non-confrontational way, they are flexible with eachother as plans change, and they support eachother in enforcing rules or punishments.  In short, they work together for the benefit of their children.

Ideally, all parents would co-parent and we would all live happily ever after.  But the real world is full of conflict and tension, especially between exes.  Children of these parents still need the support of both parents and the parents still probably want the best for their children; albeit in a different style than their ex.  Co-parenting does not work for these high-conflict parents.  Instead, "Parallel parenting" is a better choice.     Parallel parenting plans must be highly structured and detail oriented.  A back-up or "Plan B" is a good idea in the event of unforeseen circumstances such as changes in a parent's schedule on any given day.  The goal of parallel parenting is to support the disengagement of the parents so that there is less opportunity for conflict and resulting emotional harm to the children.  Rules should be established such as curb-side drop-off, neutral location drop-off or email-only communication. 

As the children grow and mature, parenting plans will need to be modified to accommodate changes in routine and school obligations.  Hopefully in the meantime,  parents can establish a workable parenting plan or style conducive to their level of tension with their ex.

For more information and to schedule a consultation I can be reached at 609-601-6600.  I would also encourage you to Like my professional  Facebook page for informative posts regarding family law or guardianship issues.

Have a great weekend!

Stephanie

Trick or Treat?

Halloween will be here before you know it.  Many  kids have already snagged the Party City catalog to scan the costume selection.  If your kids are like mine, they've changed their mind on their costume three times already!  Single or divorced parents may often wonder if their children would ever be able to come to their neighborhood on trick-or-treat night.  Until recently, New Jersey's Court Holiday Parenting Schedule did not include a provision for Halloween; but now it does. 

The Court's Holiday Parenting Schedule in Vicinage 1 (Atlantic & Cape May County) includes a provision for  Halloween Trick-or-Treat, and states:

"Each parent shall have the child(ren) for trick or treat purposes as scheduled in their community.  If the parents live in the same community or if the communities have designated the same date and time for trick or treat, then the parents shall alternate on a year by year basis, with Father having child(ren) on odd years and Mother having child(ren) on even years."

With the addition of this spooky provision, each parent can take their child trick-or-treating in their own neighborhood.  In the event of a conflict, then the parents must alternate depending on the year. 

It is important to note that the revised Court Holiday Parenting Schedule only applies to parenting plans put into effect after April 1, 2015.  Parenting plans effective prior to that date should follow their existing schedule.  Of course, parents can always agree to modify the holiday schedule to meet their own needs and those of their children.  If you can, consider adding this Halloween provision to your agreement.  I'm sure we all agree.... kids can never have too much candy!  (wink, wink)

For more information on custody, support or divorce issues, schedule an appointment.  I can be reached at spedrick@youngbloodlegal.com and 609-601-6600.

For daily informational posts on family law and guardianship issues, like my Facebook page.

Happy Haunting! 

 

Stephanie

 

The Name Game

Recently I was asked who gets to choose the last name of a newborn child?  Typically, this issue comes up when a child is born to parents who are not married.  After the birth, the mother is usually given a form to fill out in the hospital "naming" the child and identifying the mother and father.  This information is used to create the birth certificate for the child.  So what happens when the mother and father each want the child to have their last name; who wins the debate?  If the parents cannot agree, then the mother's choice will likely prevail. 

The common theme in New Jersey in issues relating to children is "the best interest of the child".  Once again, our courts utilize this standard when deciding disputes over a child's name.  There is a strong presumption that the name selected by the custodial parent is in the child's best interest.  Assuming the birthing mother is to have custody of the child, then the presumption is in favor of the mother's choice.  But if the mother was not to have custody; in an adoption case for example, then the adopting (custodial) parents' choice would prevail.   

There are also circumstances where a parent seeks to change a child's last name.  For example, a step-parent decides to adopt their step-child.  Should the child's name automatically change to that of the step-parent?  Or, what if custody changes; will the new custodial parent get to change the child's name without question?  The courts will always look to the best interest of the child.  Evidence that a child has used another parent's name for a period of time, or if the child has a level of comfort with a certain name, will weaken the custodial parent's choice.  Other factors that our courts examine include the length of time that the child used one surname; the identification of the child as a member of a family unit; the potential anxiety or embarrassment a child might experience if their surname is different from the custodial parent and any preference that the child might express, if sufficiently mature to express same.

There is rarely a bright line rule.  Family  matters are always fact sensitive.  What is right for one family or child may not be for another.  You should always consult with an experienced family law attorney for advice specific to your case. 

For more information, or to schedule a consultation I can be reached at 609-601-6600.  For daily posts and information on family law and guardianships, I invite you to like my page on Facebook.

Have a great week!

Stephanie

Divorce Is Booming Among Baby Boomers

Its called "gray divorce"; implying that baby boomers getting divorced are old and gray.  Hey - there might be a few gray hairs in there, but its nothing a trip to the salon can't fix.

"Baby boomers", those born between 1946-1964, are getting divorced at an increasing rate according to this article from 2013.  And while divorce at any age can be financially challenging, divorce in your later years can be more complicated and financially burdensome.  That's because most baby boomers, or people in their 50's and 60's, have worked a full career and have saved and invested their money for retirement.  During divorce, those retirement assets and accounts are subject to equitable distribution and must be shared with the spouse.  Why?  Because theoretically, when you saved that money, you were doing it with the idea that you and your spouse would share in the wealth in retirement.  The fact that you are splitting up does not negate the fact that you each expected that money to be there.  An attorney experienced in family law can explain your economic rights and suggest practical options for minimizing the economic impact.

Divorce in your 50's and 60's can also be emotionally daunting.  Getting back into the dating game after many years of marriage might seem overwhelming and confusing.  Is the word "date" even appropriate any more?  With social media and online dating sites in abundant supply, its a whole new world out there.  Carol  Johnson explains how she got back in the groove in What It's Like To Get A Divorce -- And Start Over -- At 58.  Having a supportive network of friends, coworkers and experienced professionals such as an attorney, accountant and counselor, will help you get through it.

For more detailed information on divorce and your economic rights or obligations, schedule a consultation.  I can be reached at 609-601-6600.

For daily posts and information on family law and guardianships, I invite you to like my page on Facebook.

Have a great weekend!

Stephanie

Alimony Reform: One Year Later

On September 10, 2014, exactly one year ago today, New Jersey's Alimony statute was amended.  There were two big changes; the first was the elimination of "permanent" alimony to what is now termed "open durational" alimony.  The second big change was the addition of a provision that alimony may be suspended or even terminated in the event the payee cohabits with another person.

In ruling on a request for alimony, the court will review and analyze at least fourteen different factors.  One of the factors is the length of the marriage.  For any marriage less than twenty (20) years in duration, the total duration of alimony shall not, except in exceptional circumstances, exceed the length of the marriage.  Many people mistake this to mean, for example, that a marriage of 7 years equals 7 years of alimony.  In fact, what the statute says is that alimony shall not exceed 7 years, and it could be less.  For marriages 20 years and over, it becomes more complicated.  Most practitioners will counsel their client to expect to pay alimony for at least 20 years; maybe longer.  Open durational alimony does not have a specific end date.  Indeed, it could very well be permanent.

The cohabitation revision was a much applauded change.  Most people know someone who tells their horror story of continuing to pay alimony to their ex-spouse while the ex has entered into a new relationship. The typical story line involves the ex living with their new love, displaying their affection for one another to the world, and presenting themselves as a much in-love happy pair.  Yet, they stop short of  marriage in order to keep the alimony paycheck rolling in.  Under the Alimony Reform Act, cohabitation is much more than a spring fling.  There are seven different factors that a court will evaluate in determining whether cohabitation is occurring; among them is whether the couple has intertwined their finances, shares household chores, and any indicia of a "mutually supportive intimate personal relationship".  A finding of cohabitation can result in the termination, or at least suspension, of the alimony obligation.

For more detailed information on your rights and obligations for alimony, schedule a consultation.  I can be reached at 609-601-6600.  

For daily posts and information on family law and guardianships, I invite you to like my page on Facebook.

Best,

Stephanie

Cliché Cabaret

While every divorce is different, many are quite the same.  Every divorce has a reason; and rare is the divorce without animosity.  Most divorces have assets and debts to divide, and most have more of one than the other.  But one thing that absolutely every divorce has is a cliché. 

Huffington Post blogger Randall M. Kessler recently listed his Top 10 Divorce Clichés.  You can read his version here, but I'll add my own spin.

10.  "Its not about the Money":  Yes, it is (most of the time).  If its not about how much he or she will "get", its about how much he or she will have to be responsible for.  Or rather, why the client shouldn't be responsible for their spouse's bad decision, shopping problem, etc.

9.  "Just wait until the judge hears what he/she did".:   Most people want vindication for being the "good spouse".  People want to tell their story and hear affirmation that the divorce is the other spouse's fault.  The reality is, at least in New Jersey, that the court really does not care whether one person was a bad husband or a bad wife.  You don't get rewarded for putting up with crap (excuse the slang).  Nor does the offending spouse get punished.  There are exceptions of course; i.e., domestic violence.  But if one spouse had an affair or always spent too much at the mall - by and large, it is not relevant to the divorce process and the court does not have time to hear about it.

8.  "I can't believe they are going to bring that up".:  Anger has a way of festering.  The things that bothered your spouse years ago still bother him or her today.  While it's probably not relevant (see #9), that does not mean the emotional impact doesn't exist.

7.  "I want him/her to go to jail for perjury.":  Real life is not "Law & Order".  People lie, bend the truth or sometimes just perceive facts differently.  Perjury is a crime.  Lying under oath can be prosecuted.  But proving it can be difficult and in a divorce proceeding, odds are the lie was not significant enough to impact the case or to change the outcome.  No one condones lying.  And if you lie to your attorney and they find out - you'll be looking for a new attorney.  But from a practical perspective, if your spouse lies in the divorce process, you need to weigh the risk/benefit factor of pursuing a criminal complaint.

6.  "I'd rather pay my lawyer than pay my spouse anything".  You might feel that way at the moment, but when the bill comes, you might feel differently.  Arguing a point based on principle is always a recipe for disaster.  Your lawyer will tell you what you are realistically facing in terms of a support obligation.  Fighting it into the ground does nothing but run up your legal bill.

5.  "I don't care how long it takes."  Yes, you do.  No one wants to be embroiled in a divorce any longer than necessary.  Divorce takes time.  Even an uncontested default divorce can take 2-3 months.  If there is anything of substance to discuss in your divorce, it is going to take time to sort out.  You will get tired; you will want to put it behind you.  A good lawyer will help you understand the realistic time frame.  Dragging it out does not help anyone.

4.  "Can't you tell the judge what a jerk he/she is?"  See #9.  No, your lawyer cannot tell the judge what a jerk the other spouse is.  And really - most of the time - the judge does not care. 

3.  "I want a "shark" for a lawyer".  I absolutely hate this cliché.  Early in my career a prospective client once asked "You sound awfully nice, are you sure you can be a bitch?".  I was stunned.  I did not know how to respond.  I wanted to assure the client that yes, I could be the biggest bitch they  needed me to be.  But I was very troubled by the question and the mere suggestion that I should be a bitch.  So I called the judge for whom I had served as law clerk for advice.  I will remember his advice forever.  He said "Don't ever mistake civility for weakness".   That prospective client was asking me to be unprofessional and to sway from my ethical obligation as a lawyer; and that is something I refuse to do.  Your divorce is filled with your emotions.  As lawyers, we are not emotionally involved.  We do not need to be angry or aggressive to get a good result.  A good result comes from professional and spirited advocacy with good facts. 

2.  "He (or she) is a narcissist".:  Most people use this phrase when they perceive the other spouse is only thinking about him or herself.  Eh - its a divorce - a little bit of narcissism is expected on both sides.

1.  "Its just stuff."  Wonderful!  Glad to hear it!  You're right, it is just stuff.  Of course I would never suggest that my cleiint should sit back and get taken advantage, but I also do not want my clieint to get stuck on the value of the living room sofa or who should get the pots and pans.   "It's just stuff".  Focus on the big picture and get through the divorce.  Then have fun picking out a new couch.

An experienced professional lawyer will help you through the divorce process in a myriad of ways.  When you come to us with a cliché, we can tactfully help you navigate beyond it.  For more information or to schedule a consultation, I can be reached at 609-601-6612.  Find my page on Facebook too!

Best,

Stephanie

Season of Change

Its that time of year again... Back to School time.  I know all of the teachers out there are groaning.  But I think its fair to say that most people have fond memories of the excitement of late August/early September.  Parents take their kids shopping for new school clothes, many scour Pinterest for easy crockpot weeknight meals,  and we set goals for ourselves and our children.  Of course, I would be remiss if I did not mention a big seasonal attention grabber.... "Are you ready for some football!!!???"  The excitement of Autumn cannot be denied.  Unfortunately, the flip side to the excitement is the stress associated with busier schedules, and the reality of relationships that are less than stellar.

Today's post is to give some points to consider when making your own goal for the school year.  If you're considering divorce or seeking a change in custody or support, you should consult with an attorney.  A simple consultation with an experienced attorney will give you an idea of what to expect.  The attorney will tell you what documents are needed to pursue your goal and can usually give you a general idea of how long the process may take.  You will also be given information on the attorney's hourly rate and retainer requirement.  We all know money is a significant factor.  You may need to plan ahead for the necessary expense associated with divorce or a support motion.

A recent article in "U.S. News & World Reports" titled "7 Financial Steps to Take When Getting a Divorce" discusses the importance of having a team of experts on your side, including an experienced attorney, a financial analyst and a mental health counselor.  Divorce and co-parenting are stressful.  You will need to vent to someone objective. 

Having your important paperwork organized for your attorney will help you gain familiarity with the finances and help maximize the time your spend with your lawyer.  In addition, getting a copy of your credit report and making sure you have at least one credit card in your own name is also a good idea - both for clarifying your financial exposure, but also to plan for when you're on your own.   Sketching out a budget - using various financial scenarios - can also help clarify your goal. 

Take advantage of the excitement in the Autumn air and do something for yourself this back-to-school season. 

For more information, I can be reached at 609-601-6600.  Find my page on Facebook too!

Best,

Stephanie  

It's Your Divorce, Not Theirs

When you get divorced, its only natural for your friends or family members to lend "support" by giving advice regarding everything from picking the right lawyer to whether you should get to keep the the bedroom furniture or the coffee table.  The problem however, is that friends and family members have no business putting their well-meaning nose into your divorce.  They might think they are helping, but they're not.  

The attached article from blogger Marc Baer with The Huffington Post   http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mark-baer/when-divorcing-beware-of-_b_7876508.html explains that divorcing people tend to attract well-meaning friends, relatives and bystanders who think they should offer advice on how to manage the divorce.  The common result, unfortunately, is to fuel conflict, panic and aggression in the divorcing person which prolongs the divorce and complicates the resolution process.

The job of a divorce or family lawyer is to clearly explain the law and how it relates to the facts of a client's case, and then use the law to advocate for what the client wants, provided that goal is within the range of what's fair.   The job or your friends and family is to listen, offer encouragement and provide companionship both during and after the divorce.

For more information, I can be reached at 609-601-6600 and spedrick@youngbloodlegal.com 

Best,

Stephanie Pedrick  

Emancipation Proclamation

Emancipation in the child support world is either a day of great relief or a day of dread depending upon which side of the equation you sit.  Are you the child support payor?  Then you likely have been eyeing that light at the end of the tunnel for years.  If you are the payee however, you're probably dreading the loss of that financial contribution.

As I tell my payor clients, you have the right to seek emancipation of your child.  Do not feel guilty.  You have supported your child as you were legally obligated to do, and now it is time for that child to help support his or herself.  After all, it's not as though you will never buy your child another lunch or dinner.  Most parents will continue to assist their children even after emancipation.  Let's be honest, most of us have an elderly parent who still wants to help out financially occasionally.  And if you are the payee, well, again; as I tell my clients, child support technically belongs to the child.  And when that child has grown and become his or her own person, it is time for the support to end. 

The big question obviously is when?  When is it appropriate to seek emancipation?  In New Jersey, parents are required to contribute to the support of their children until they have "moved beyond the realm of parental influence".  That's a fancy way of saying that they are capable of supporting themselves.  As long as a child is still in school - usually until they have received an undergraduate degree, child support will continue.  Attendance at a trade school would also apply.  A child who graduates high school and does not pursue any additional education will need to seek employment.  He or she cannot  just sit on the couch all day, nor can they take a year off to explore the world and expect their parent to continue to pay child support.

The facts of each case are different.   The status of your local economy can also impact the court's decision.  Failure to look for a job is different than failing to find a job.  If a child is still truly dependant on his or her parents for support then a court may consider such facts in deciding the motion.

Talk with an attorney for more information and a professional opinion on the facts of your case.  I can  be reached at 609-601-6600.

Best,

Stephanie

The Difference between Power of Attorney and Guardianship

There are times in our lives when we rely on our parents, become a parent, or need "parental" oversight.  When we are young, our parents protect us, teach us, play with us and help us grow.  When we become a parent, we do these things for our own children.  And when our parents become older, we are often called upon to take a parental role in their lives.  Sometimes our parents ask us for help; other times, we must initiate legal action to allow it.

Parents of disabled children often must continue their parental role, even after their "child" reaches the age of 18.  Many are surprised to learn that they cannot legally conduct their adult disabled child's affairs without obtaining guardianship.

Many people have heard the term "Power of Attorney", but few really know what it means.  It sounds so formal, almost regal.  But in reality, it is simply a document that grants authority in another to conduct business and affairs that we would do for ourselves, if we were able.  For instance, a person could suddenly be injured in an accident that leaves them unable to pay their bills or manage their affairs.  The Power of Attorney that that person executed will go into effect and allow their agent (friend, adult child, etc.) to pay bills, have access to bank accounts, manage, buy or sell real estate, or negotiate other business on their behalf.  The key is that the Power of Attorney was executed before the person became ill or incapacitated. 

So what happens if a person never executed such a document but becomes injured, or starts showing signs of dementia or Alzheimer's?  It is too late for a Power of Attorney; once a person becomes incapacitated, they lack the legal standing to draft a Will, Power of Attorney or other legal document.  A Guardianship action is now the only answer.  In simple terms, a Power of Attorney is voluntary; a Guardianship is involuntary.

We all know someone who was tragically hurt, or whose parent is failing, physically and mentally.  They aren't taking care of themselves, the bills are not getting paid, or they are putting trust in strangers who are taking advantage of their vulnerable status.  When these things happen, it is time to seek Guardianship.   Similarly, when children with developmental disabilities reach the age of 18, their parents must initiate a guardianship action so that they may  legally make decisions for their adult child.  

A Guardianship essentially strips the "incapacitated person" of their freedom and independence; that which our Constitution stands to protect.  As a result, courts take guardianship actions very seriously and will not appoint a guardian for another unless it is clear that the individual is incapacitated to the extent that they are unable to manage their affairs.  A Guardianship requires the testimony or certification of at least two physicians who have examined the individual and opined that the person lacks the ability to care for him or herself or the capacity to understand the consequences of their actions.  The Court will also appoint an attorney to represent the alleged incapacitated person to conduct an independent inquiry into the person's mental and physical condition, as well as interview and evaluate the person seeking guardianship to ensure there is no mal-intent.  The attorney will report to the court on whether the alleged incapacitated person truly needs a guardian, and whether the proposed guardian will take appropriate care of the incapacitated individual and honor the incapacitated person's wishes and desires as best as possible.    It is a process that is certainly more expensive than a Power of Attorney, and can take 6-12 weeks, on average, to complete.

The best advice is to prepare a Power of Attorney while you are still mentally and physically healthy.  This will permit your family or friends to care for you and your affairs immediately in the event you become incapacitated.  For parents of disabled children, see a lawyer in advance so you are prepared to establish guardianship when your child turns 18. 

For more information, I can be reached at 609-601-6612 or spedrick@youngbloodlegal.com.  I look forward to working on your behalf.

Stephanie Pedrick

Celebrating a Child's Graduation As a Divorced Parent

Its that time of year... graduation season.  When your child is graduating; whether from high school or college, you are likely to experience tension or stress in experiencing this milestone with your Ex.  Don't let your feelings, past or present, toward your Ex get in the way of your joy for your child.  Here are some simple tips for getting through the event with your emotions intact:

1.  Take the initiative and contact your Ex in advance:  If you know your Ex or soon-to-be-ex will be attending the graduation or celebratory event, see if you can agree not to discuss the divorce or any emotionally charged issues such as financing for college, or who was there for all the late-night projects during school.  Chances are, you've already argued these issues ad nauseam, or you'll have plenty of time to iron out the details of the issue later.  Just agree to grin and bear it.   Put a smile on your faces for your kid's sake.

2.  Reassure your Child of your well-being.   Parents often pretend that their kids don't know about their resentful feelings toward the Ex; but the reality is, all too often, the kids have heard the snide remarks or have felt the animosity.  Don't let your kids think they shouldn't celebrate because it might cause you angst.  Take the time to quietly reassure them that they have a right to be proud, a right to be happy and a right to expect family to peacefully celebrate with them.

3.  Respect the unexpected Guest.  If your Ex has a new spouse or partner, its natural to feel uncomfortable.  But if your former spouse wants to bring along their new partner, you really don't have the authority to say no.  Going solo can feel isolating, so bring along a friend or other relative to stand by your side to help you feel more secure.

4.  Celebrations big and small:  If a graduation party is being planned, try to negotiate a neutral location to eliminate any perceived "home turf" advantage.  Ideas include restaurants, banquet halls or parks.  If that isn't feasible, then host a smaller event separate from your Ex.  Be sure to keep the guest list limited to your side of the family or your friends.  Don't overlap the guest list or try to out-do your Ex on the grandiosity of the event.  A small intimate celebration can sometimes be more enjoyable and can even keep costs down.

5.  Understand that your emotions are normal.  Know that feelings such as regret, resentment, remorse, anger or sadness are all normal emotions for divorced couples.  Those feelings soften over time, but significant milestones for your children are likely to dredge them back up.  Expect them, try to manage them, and maybe have a plan in place in case you become overwhelmed.  Sit near the door for easy exit to get some air or a cold drink.  Pull yourself together and go back in.  It will be over soon enough.

The above tips work just as well for weddings too!  Enjoy the season and these precious milestones!

For more information regarding divorce and family law issues, schedule a consultation.  I can be reached at 609-601-6600.  For interesting posts and helpful links, Like my professional Facebook page.

Best,

Stephanie

PARENTAL ALIENATION: SUBTLE AGGRESSION

The term "parental alienation" has been tossed around for years.  In New Jersey however, it is not a formally recognized cause of action.   As recently as 2014 the New Jersey Appellate Division reversed a trial court for basing a custody determination on eight Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) criteria that the trial judge drew from literature and non-expert testimony, rather than from reliable scientific data accepted within the scientific community.  To date, PAS remains a novel concept and is the subject of ongoing controversy.  

Custody in New Jersey is determined by consideration of the statutory factors set forth in N.J.S.A. 9:2-4, which includes factors relating to the parents' ability to agree, communicate and cooperate in matters relating to the child; as well as the fitness of each parent.  As such, conduct often considered to be "alienating" could be considered by the Court in relation to these and other factors when making a custody decision

The worst part about parental alienation is its subtlety.  It is rarely obvious, at least at first, and by the time the target parent realizes it is happening, the damage may have already been done.  Alienating conduct can come in many forms and is essentially defined as improperly involving the children in the divorce or custody dispute.  Examples include:

• Telling the children that you give all of your money to the other parent so you can't buy them anything;
• Telling the children to ask their other parent to buy them what they want because you cannot afford it;
• Portraying yourself as a victim in front of your children which causes them to feel they need to protect you from the other parent; or
• Empowering the children to make decisions they should not be making (such as by giving them an apparent choice of whether to visit with mommy or daddy) and then saying you are abiding by their decision.

These actions put the children in an emotional and psychological tug of war between the parents and within themselves to pick a side.  Parents who engage in this behavior are more likely trying to control or hurt the other parent.  But the harm inflicted upon the children should not be underestimated.  Further, while we often consider parental alienation in the context of young children, it can be just as damaging to older, nearly grown children.  

Bottom line... your children have no business being exposed to your divorce woes.    

For more information I can be reached at 609-601-6600 or spedrick@youngbloodlegal.com.  Visit my Facebook page:  www.facebook.com/StephanieAlbrechtPedrick.Esq