How To Smile Through The Holidays After Divorce

The Internet is flooded with articles and suggestions for how to survive the holidays after a divorce.  Most of them focus on how to help your children get through the holidays and adapt to two households instead of one.  Very few address the truly single person.  Adults experience sadness or even identity crises following divorce, especially around the holidays.  So  with Thanksgiving less than two days away, I offer my own tips for the newly minted single you.

1.  Pretend you are 20 years old.  Sleep in late, read that book you never have time to read, watch Planes, Trains & Automobiles or Home Alone.  No one can get through those movies without laughing at least once.  

2.  Take someone up on their invitation.  You have probably received at least one invitation to come for Thanksgiving or Christmas.  Accept.  The distractions of chatting with new people or enjoying the company of people you have no ties to might be an easy mental break.

3.  Stay off the Internet.  For one day.  Resist the urge to check Facebook or email,   It will likely be filled with everyone's seemingly fun and happy pictures or greetings.  But to someone going through their first holiday after a divorce, it can be depressing to think that the rest of the world is happy and fabulous.  Although, the reality is its probably not true.  Facebook is filled with the illusion of perfection and constant happiness.  In the real world people are grumpy, tired and frustrated too.  Just stay off the Internet for one day.

4.  Indulge, but don't overdo it.  Have that piece of pumpkin pie or that second glass of wine.  But keep your wits about you.  Intoxication can lead to exaggerated emotions or impulsive and possibly dangerous behavior.  

5.  Go shopping.  Even if you're the type who believes the stores should stay closed on Thanksgiving, take advantage of the fact that you have no one to report to but yourself.  No one will care if you skip the Turkey in favor of Target.  

Of course, I am not a psychologist or counselor.  I am merely an attorney.  The above tips come from my years of experience in hearing my clients' stories, plus a dash of my own personal touch.   

Keep smiling, and Happy Thanksgiving.

Best,

Stephanie

Code of the Ring: Who Keeps The Engagement Ring?

Its a centuries old question, the answer to which has evolved over time:  Who gets to keep an engagement ring if the engagement is broken? 

First, a mini history lesson: In ancient Rome the rule on the issue was fault based.  When the woman broke the engagement, she was required to return both the ring and its value as a penalty.  No penalty would attach if the man broke the engagement.  In ancient England, women were oppressed by the rigid social order of the day.  They worked as servants, or if not of the servant class, they were dependent on their relatives.  Men were in short supply and marriage above one's "station" or social class was rare.  Most often, marriages were arranged.  Women either married or became nuns.  Because men were much more likely to break an engagement and leave the woman behind with a tainted reputation and ruined prospects, the woman was permitted to keep the ring as a sort of consolation prize.  If the man was jilted, rare though it was, he was entitled to keep the ring.

As the law developed in modern culture, different theories emerged.  Many states in our country retained the fault based theory, but eliminated the "value penalty"; if the woman broke the engagement, she must return the ring; if the break up was the fault of the man, the woman kept the ring.  A few states, including New Jersey, take a minority view; that is, an engagement ring is a symbol or pledge of the coming marriage and signifies that the one who wears it is engaged to marry the man who gave it to her.  If the engagement is broken, the ring must be returned since it was a conditional gift.  The law implies a condition because of the symbolic significance of the ring.  It does not matter who broke the engagement.  The reality is, the gift was conditional (that a marriage would follow) and when the condition is not fulfilled, the symbolic gift should be returned.

But what happens when the parties do marry, but decide to divorce one, two or twenty years later?  That's an easy answer: the ring was a conditional gift and the condition was fulfilled when the marriage took place.  The woman keeps the ring.

For more information or to schedule a consultation, I can be reached at 609-601-6600.  Visit and Like my professional Facebook page for informative posts related to family law and guardianships.  Like and Share!

Best,

Stephanie