Co-parent or Parallel-parent: What style fits you?

Divorced or separated parents come in all shapes and sizes, ages, races and socio-economic backgrounds.  But they all either get along, or don't. 

In thinking about this issue, I came across a great article Co-Parenting vs. Parallel Parenting: Which Approach Is Best for Your Family?  The article explains that parents who can get along with their ex are often very successful as "co-parents".  They communicate with eachother in a non-confrontational way, they are flexible with eachother as plans change, and they support eachother in enforcing rules or punishments.  In short, they work together for the benefit of their children.

Ideally, all parents would co-parent and we would all live happily ever after.  But the real world is full of conflict and tension, especially between exes.  Children of these parents still need the support of both parents and the parents still probably want the best for their children; albeit in a different style than their ex.  Co-parenting does not work for these high-conflict parents.  Instead, "Parallel parenting" is a better choice.     Parallel parenting plans must be highly structured and detail oriented.  A back-up or "Plan B" is a good idea in the event of unforeseen circumstances such as changes in a parent's schedule on any given day.  The goal of parallel parenting is to support the disengagement of the parents so that there is less opportunity for conflict and resulting emotional harm to the children.  Rules should be established such as curb-side drop-off, neutral location drop-off or email-only communication. 

As the children grow and mature, parenting plans will need to be modified to accommodate changes in routine and school obligations.  Hopefully in the meantime,  parents can establish a workable parenting plan or style conducive to their level of tension with their ex.

For more information and to schedule a consultation I can be reached at 609-601-6600.  I would also encourage you to Like my professional  Facebook page for informative posts regarding family law or guardianship issues.

Have a great weekend!

Stephanie

Trick or Treat?

Halloween will be here before you know it.  Many  kids have already snagged the Party City catalog to scan the costume selection.  If your kids are like mine, they've changed their mind on their costume three times already!  Single or divorced parents may often wonder if their children would ever be able to come to their neighborhood on trick-or-treat night.  Until recently, New Jersey's Court Holiday Parenting Schedule did not include a provision for Halloween; but now it does. 

The Court's Holiday Parenting Schedule in Vicinage 1 (Atlantic & Cape May County) includes a provision for  Halloween Trick-or-Treat, and states:

"Each parent shall have the child(ren) for trick or treat purposes as scheduled in their community.  If the parents live in the same community or if the communities have designated the same date and time for trick or treat, then the parents shall alternate on a year by year basis, with Father having child(ren) on odd years and Mother having child(ren) on even years."

With the addition of this spooky provision, each parent can take their child trick-or-treating in their own neighborhood.  In the event of a conflict, then the parents must alternate depending on the year. 

It is important to note that the revised Court Holiday Parenting Schedule only applies to parenting plans put into effect after April 1, 2015.  Parenting plans effective prior to that date should follow their existing schedule.  Of course, parents can always agree to modify the holiday schedule to meet their own needs and those of their children.  If you can, consider adding this Halloween provision to your agreement.  I'm sure we all agree.... kids can never have too much candy!  (wink, wink)

For more information on custody, support or divorce issues, schedule an appointment.  I can be reached at spedrick@youngbloodlegal.com and 609-601-6600.

For daily informational posts on family law and guardianship issues, like my Facebook page.

Happy Haunting! 

 

Stephanie

 

The Name Game

Recently I was asked who gets to choose the last name of a newborn child?  Typically, this issue comes up when a child is born to parents who are not married.  After the birth, the mother is usually given a form to fill out in the hospital "naming" the child and identifying the mother and father.  This information is used to create the birth certificate for the child.  So what happens when the mother and father each want the child to have their last name; who wins the debate?  If the parents cannot agree, then the mother's choice will likely prevail. 

The common theme in New Jersey in issues relating to children is "the best interest of the child".  Once again, our courts utilize this standard when deciding disputes over a child's name.  There is a strong presumption that the name selected by the custodial parent is in the child's best interest.  Assuming the birthing mother is to have custody of the child, then the presumption is in favor of the mother's choice.  But if the mother was not to have custody; in an adoption case for example, then the adopting (custodial) parents' choice would prevail.   

There are also circumstances where a parent seeks to change a child's last name.  For example, a step-parent decides to adopt their step-child.  Should the child's name automatically change to that of the step-parent?  Or, what if custody changes; will the new custodial parent get to change the child's name without question?  The courts will always look to the best interest of the child.  Evidence that a child has used another parent's name for a period of time, or if the child has a level of comfort with a certain name, will weaken the custodial parent's choice.  Other factors that our courts examine include the length of time that the child used one surname; the identification of the child as a member of a family unit; the potential anxiety or embarrassment a child might experience if their surname is different from the custodial parent and any preference that the child might express, if sufficiently mature to express same.

There is rarely a bright line rule.  Family  matters are always fact sensitive.  What is right for one family or child may not be for another.  You should always consult with an experienced family law attorney for advice specific to your case. 

For more information, or to schedule a consultation I can be reached at 609-601-6600.  For daily posts and information on family law and guardianships, I invite you to like my page on Facebook.

Have a great week!

Stephanie

Divorce Is Booming Among Baby Boomers

Its called "gray divorce"; implying that baby boomers getting divorced are old and gray.  Hey - there might be a few gray hairs in there, but its nothing a trip to the salon can't fix.

"Baby boomers", those born between 1946-1964, are getting divorced at an increasing rate according to this article from 2013.  And while divorce at any age can be financially challenging, divorce in your later years can be more complicated and financially burdensome.  That's because most baby boomers, or people in their 50's and 60's, have worked a full career and have saved and invested their money for retirement.  During divorce, those retirement assets and accounts are subject to equitable distribution and must be shared with the spouse.  Why?  Because theoretically, when you saved that money, you were doing it with the idea that you and your spouse would share in the wealth in retirement.  The fact that you are splitting up does not negate the fact that you each expected that money to be there.  An attorney experienced in family law can explain your economic rights and suggest practical options for minimizing the economic impact.

Divorce in your 50's and 60's can also be emotionally daunting.  Getting back into the dating game after many years of marriage might seem overwhelming and confusing.  Is the word "date" even appropriate any more?  With social media and online dating sites in abundant supply, its a whole new world out there.  Carol  Johnson explains how she got back in the groove in What It's Like To Get A Divorce -- And Start Over -- At 58.  Having a supportive network of friends, coworkers and experienced professionals such as an attorney, accountant and counselor, will help you get through it.

For more detailed information on divorce and your economic rights or obligations, schedule a consultation.  I can be reached at 609-601-6600.

For daily posts and information on family law and guardianships, I invite you to like my page on Facebook.

Have a great weekend!

Stephanie

Alimony Reform: One Year Later

On September 10, 2014, exactly one year ago today, New Jersey's Alimony statute was amended.  There were two big changes; the first was the elimination of "permanent" alimony to what is now termed "open durational" alimony.  The second big change was the addition of a provision that alimony may be suspended or even terminated in the event the payee cohabits with another person.

In ruling on a request for alimony, the court will review and analyze at least fourteen different factors.  One of the factors is the length of the marriage.  For any marriage less than twenty (20) years in duration, the total duration of alimony shall not, except in exceptional circumstances, exceed the length of the marriage.  Many people mistake this to mean, for example, that a marriage of 7 years equals 7 years of alimony.  In fact, what the statute says is that alimony shall not exceed 7 years, and it could be less.  For marriages 20 years and over, it becomes more complicated.  Most practitioners will counsel their client to expect to pay alimony for at least 20 years; maybe longer.  Open durational alimony does not have a specific end date.  Indeed, it could very well be permanent.

The cohabitation revision was a much applauded change.  Most people know someone who tells their horror story of continuing to pay alimony to their ex-spouse while the ex has entered into a new relationship. The typical story line involves the ex living with their new love, displaying their affection for one another to the world, and presenting themselves as a much in-love happy pair.  Yet, they stop short of  marriage in order to keep the alimony paycheck rolling in.  Under the Alimony Reform Act, cohabitation is much more than a spring fling.  There are seven different factors that a court will evaluate in determining whether cohabitation is occurring; among them is whether the couple has intertwined their finances, shares household chores, and any indicia of a "mutually supportive intimate personal relationship".  A finding of cohabitation can result in the termination, or at least suspension, of the alimony obligation.

For more detailed information on your rights and obligations for alimony, schedule a consultation.  I can be reached at 609-601-6600.  

For daily posts and information on family law and guardianships, I invite you to like my page on Facebook.

Best,

Stephanie

Cliché Cabaret

While every divorce is different, many are quite the same.  Every divorce has a reason; and rare is the divorce without animosity.  Most divorces have assets and debts to divide, and most have more of one than the other.  But one thing that absolutely every divorce has is a cliché. 

Huffington Post blogger Randall M. Kessler recently listed his Top 10 Divorce Clichés.  You can read his version here, but I'll add my own spin.

10.  "Its not about the Money":  Yes, it is (most of the time).  If its not about how much he or she will "get", its about how much he or she will have to be responsible for.  Or rather, why the client shouldn't be responsible for their spouse's bad decision, shopping problem, etc.

9.  "Just wait until the judge hears what he/she did".:   Most people want vindication for being the "good spouse".  People want to tell their story and hear affirmation that the divorce is the other spouse's fault.  The reality is, at least in New Jersey, that the court really does not care whether one person was a bad husband or a bad wife.  You don't get rewarded for putting up with crap (excuse the slang).  Nor does the offending spouse get punished.  There are exceptions of course; i.e., domestic violence.  But if one spouse had an affair or always spent too much at the mall - by and large, it is not relevant to the divorce process and the court does not have time to hear about it.

8.  "I can't believe they are going to bring that up".:  Anger has a way of festering.  The things that bothered your spouse years ago still bother him or her today.  While it's probably not relevant (see #9), that does not mean the emotional impact doesn't exist.

7.  "I want him/her to go to jail for perjury.":  Real life is not "Law & Order".  People lie, bend the truth or sometimes just perceive facts differently.  Perjury is a crime.  Lying under oath can be prosecuted.  But proving it can be difficult and in a divorce proceeding, odds are the lie was not significant enough to impact the case or to change the outcome.  No one condones lying.  And if you lie to your attorney and they find out - you'll be looking for a new attorney.  But from a practical perspective, if your spouse lies in the divorce process, you need to weigh the risk/benefit factor of pursuing a criminal complaint.

6.  "I'd rather pay my lawyer than pay my spouse anything".  You might feel that way at the moment, but when the bill comes, you might feel differently.  Arguing a point based on principle is always a recipe for disaster.  Your lawyer will tell you what you are realistically facing in terms of a support obligation.  Fighting it into the ground does nothing but run up your legal bill.

5.  "I don't care how long it takes."  Yes, you do.  No one wants to be embroiled in a divorce any longer than necessary.  Divorce takes time.  Even an uncontested default divorce can take 2-3 months.  If there is anything of substance to discuss in your divorce, it is going to take time to sort out.  You will get tired; you will want to put it behind you.  A good lawyer will help you understand the realistic time frame.  Dragging it out does not help anyone.

4.  "Can't you tell the judge what a jerk he/she is?"  See #9.  No, your lawyer cannot tell the judge what a jerk the other spouse is.  And really - most of the time - the judge does not care. 

3.  "I want a "shark" for a lawyer".  I absolutely hate this cliché.  Early in my career a prospective client once asked "You sound awfully nice, are you sure you can be a bitch?".  I was stunned.  I did not know how to respond.  I wanted to assure the client that yes, I could be the biggest bitch they  needed me to be.  But I was very troubled by the question and the mere suggestion that I should be a bitch.  So I called the judge for whom I had served as law clerk for advice.  I will remember his advice forever.  He said "Don't ever mistake civility for weakness".   That prospective client was asking me to be unprofessional and to sway from my ethical obligation as a lawyer; and that is something I refuse to do.  Your divorce is filled with your emotions.  As lawyers, we are not emotionally involved.  We do not need to be angry or aggressive to get a good result.  A good result comes from professional and spirited advocacy with good facts. 

2.  "He (or she) is a narcissist".:  Most people use this phrase when they perceive the other spouse is only thinking about him or herself.  Eh - its a divorce - a little bit of narcissism is expected on both sides.

1.  "Its just stuff."  Wonderful!  Glad to hear it!  You're right, it is just stuff.  Of course I would never suggest that my cleiint should sit back and get taken advantage, but I also do not want my clieint to get stuck on the value of the living room sofa or who should get the pots and pans.   "It's just stuff".  Focus on the big picture and get through the divorce.  Then have fun picking out a new couch.

An experienced professional lawyer will help you through the divorce process in a myriad of ways.  When you come to us with a cliché, we can tactfully help you navigate beyond it.  For more information or to schedule a consultation, I can be reached at 609-601-6612.  Find my page on Facebook too!

Best,

Stephanie

Season of Change

Its that time of year again... Back to School time.  I know all of the teachers out there are groaning.  But I think its fair to say that most people have fond memories of the excitement of late August/early September.  Parents take their kids shopping for new school clothes, many scour Pinterest for easy crockpot weeknight meals,  and we set goals for ourselves and our children.  Of course, I would be remiss if I did not mention a big seasonal attention grabber.... "Are you ready for some football!!!???"  The excitement of Autumn cannot be denied.  Unfortunately, the flip side to the excitement is the stress associated with busier schedules, and the reality of relationships that are less than stellar.

Today's post is to give some points to consider when making your own goal for the school year.  If you're considering divorce or seeking a change in custody or support, you should consult with an attorney.  A simple consultation with an experienced attorney will give you an idea of what to expect.  The attorney will tell you what documents are needed to pursue your goal and can usually give you a general idea of how long the process may take.  You will also be given information on the attorney's hourly rate and retainer requirement.  We all know money is a significant factor.  You may need to plan ahead for the necessary expense associated with divorce or a support motion.

A recent article in "U.S. News & World Reports" titled "7 Financial Steps to Take When Getting a Divorce" discusses the importance of having a team of experts on your side, including an experienced attorney, a financial analyst and a mental health counselor.  Divorce and co-parenting are stressful.  You will need to vent to someone objective. 

Having your important paperwork organized for your attorney will help you gain familiarity with the finances and help maximize the time your spend with your lawyer.  In addition, getting a copy of your credit report and making sure you have at least one credit card in your own name is also a good idea - both for clarifying your financial exposure, but also to plan for when you're on your own.   Sketching out a budget - using various financial scenarios - can also help clarify your goal. 

Take advantage of the excitement in the Autumn air and do something for yourself this back-to-school season. 

For more information, I can be reached at 609-601-6600.  Find my page on Facebook too!

Best,

Stephanie