Why Lawyers Cringe At The "F" Word In Divorce.

Oh, that word.  That horrible, caustic, offensive word.  Fair.  I cringe just writing it.   Very few things in life are fair.  Our loved ones die, its not fair.  Kids fight over toys, its not fair.  And, your ex will get overnight parenting time or part of your retirement account; is it fair? 

In the legal system, we aim for objective justice.  You know the saying, "Justice is blind".  Justice must be blind.  If decisions were based on subjective feelings, they would be unavoidably slanted or biased.   So yes, most times, justice is blind.  But inevitably one party to a dispute will always feel that the result was not "fair".  Let's face it, unless you get everything you want, you lose at least partially.

As a family lawyer, one of the hardest parts of my job is managing client expectations.  When a client comes to me with an expectation or hope that I know is unrealistic, I gently but firmly help them understand that the court will seek justice, and if one party gets everything, (except in rare cases) it would be unjust, and hence "unfair".  

Most judges who sit in family division will tell litigants that it is in their best interest to settle their dispute.  A settlement is a compromise, and that means you give something up.  In other words, you let the other side win a little bit.   If you do this, you are in control.  If you let the court decide the case, you are not in control, and you might end up losing more than you were willing to give up in the first place.  Or, you might end up with a result that would be entirely different, and less desirable, than if you had taken an emotional step back and compromised for the sake of settlement.  And when you make those choices yourself, you are more likely to feel that you got a "fair" result.

Don't get me wrong, I am not suggesting that you give up the fight and throw in the towel.  That would certainly not seem fair, nor would justice be served.  I am merely pointing out that what feels fair to you, will feel unfair to someone else, and that my friends, is called justice.

Do yourself a favor, hire a lawyer.  Lawyers are emotionally uninvolved in your dispute.  We can see things more objectively than you.  Not only do we know the law, but we can help you navigate the "fairness" bell curve and serve as a buffer between you and your soon-to-be-ex, which will hopefully bring a resolution that you will feel is.....Fair.

For more information or to schedule a consultation, I can be reached at 609-601-6600.  For informative posts and interesting links, "Like"my Facebook page.

Best,

Stephanie 

How To Smile Through The Holidays After Divorce

The Internet is flooded with articles and suggestions for how to survive the holidays after a divorce.  Most of them focus on how to help your children get through the holidays and adapt to two households instead of one.  Very few address the truly single person.  Adults experience sadness or even identity crises following divorce, especially around the holidays.  So  with Thanksgiving less than two days away, I offer my own tips for the newly minted single you.

1.  Pretend you are 20 years old.  Sleep in late, read that book you never have time to read, watch Planes, Trains & Automobiles or Home Alone.  No one can get through those movies without laughing at least once.  

2.  Take someone up on their invitation.  You have probably received at least one invitation to come for Thanksgiving or Christmas.  Accept.  The distractions of chatting with new people or enjoying the company of people you have no ties to might be an easy mental break.

3.  Stay off the Internet.  For one day.  Resist the urge to check Facebook or email,   It will likely be filled with everyone's seemingly fun and happy pictures or greetings.  But to someone going through their first holiday after a divorce, it can be depressing to think that the rest of the world is happy and fabulous.  Although, the reality is its probably not true.  Facebook is filled with the illusion of perfection and constant happiness.  In the real world people are grumpy, tired and frustrated too.  Just stay off the Internet for one day.

4.  Indulge, but don't overdo it.  Have that piece of pumpkin pie or that second glass of wine.  But keep your wits about you.  Intoxication can lead to exaggerated emotions or impulsive and possibly dangerous behavior.  

5.  Go shopping.  Even if you're the type who believes the stores should stay closed on Thanksgiving, take advantage of the fact that you have no one to report to but yourself.  No one will care if you skip the Turkey in favor of Target.  

Of course, I am not a psychologist or counselor.  I am merely an attorney.  The above tips come from my years of experience in hearing my clients' stories, plus a dash of my own personal touch.   

Keep smiling, and Happy Thanksgiving.

Best,

Stephanie

Code of the Ring: Who Keeps The Engagement Ring?

Its a centuries old question, the answer to which has evolved over time:  Who gets to keep an engagement ring if the engagement is broken? 

First, a mini history lesson: In ancient Rome the rule on the issue was fault based.  When the woman broke the engagement, she was required to return both the ring and its value as a penalty.  No penalty would attach if the man broke the engagement.  In ancient England, women were oppressed by the rigid social order of the day.  They worked as servants, or if not of the servant class, they were dependent on their relatives.  Men were in short supply and marriage above one's "station" or social class was rare.  Most often, marriages were arranged.  Women either married or became nuns.  Because men were much more likely to break an engagement and leave the woman behind with a tainted reputation and ruined prospects, the woman was permitted to keep the ring as a sort of consolation prize.  If the man was jilted, rare though it was, he was entitled to keep the ring.

As the law developed in modern culture, different theories emerged.  Many states in our country retained the fault based theory, but eliminated the "value penalty"; if the woman broke the engagement, she must return the ring; if the break up was the fault of the man, the woman kept the ring.  A few states, including New Jersey, take a minority view; that is, an engagement ring is a symbol or pledge of the coming marriage and signifies that the one who wears it is engaged to marry the man who gave it to her.  If the engagement is broken, the ring must be returned since it was a conditional gift.  The law implies a condition because of the symbolic significance of the ring.  It does not matter who broke the engagement.  The reality is, the gift was conditional (that a marriage would follow) and when the condition is not fulfilled, the symbolic gift should be returned.

But what happens when the parties do marry, but decide to divorce one, two or twenty years later?  That's an easy answer: the ring was a conditional gift and the condition was fulfilled when the marriage took place.  The woman keeps the ring.

For more information or to schedule a consultation, I can be reached at 609-601-6600.  Visit and Like my professional Facebook page for informative posts related to family law and guardianships.  Like and Share!

Best,

Stephanie 

Palimony: A More Relevant Ideal For Today's Modern Relationships.

In today's contemporary world, it is common for men and women to cohabit with their romantic partner without contemplation of marriage.  Many relationships mimic a marriage without the legal tie. 

When a marriage ends, all of the assets and debts of each spouse must be distributed pursuant to the principle of "equitable distribution".  Recognizing that it costs more for two people to live separately than it does to live together, the goal in New Jersey is to equitably distribute the wealth and debt accumulated between the parties during the marriage so as to leave each party reasonably capable of maintaining a similar lifestyle after the marriage ends.  Generally, each spouse has an equitable interest in the assets (and debts) of the other spouse, and upon divorce, the court must determine the value of that interest in order to carry out the equitable distribution scheme.

In the absence of marriage, there is no right or "equitable interest" in the assets of the other partner.  Nor is there any equitable obligation to the debts in the name of the other partner.  Likewise, there is no entitlement for support even if one partner became financially dependent on the other during a long term period of cohabitation.  The only way to guarantee some financial security in the event of a breakup is to enter into a written palimony agreement.  Palimony refers to financial support from one person to another when a long-term, non-marital relationship ends.  It is generally given to a person who became financially dependent on the other person, relying on express or implied promises that his or her significant other would support him or her financially for the rest of their lives. Prior to 2010, claims for palimony in New Jersey were permitted when a promise of lifetime support was broken.  Since 2010 however, New Jersey law provides that palimony agreements are only enforceable if the couple creates a written agreement with an attorney. 

In the absence of a written palimony agreement, issues regarding the division of property such as a home or car can be complicated if the property was purchased in both names.   An action for partition may be necessary.  If a couple also has children, all issues will likely be determined in the family court system. 

If you and your partner cohabit but elect not to enter into marriage, make sure you understand the potential financial ramifications of the decisions you  make as a familial unit.  There is nothing wrong with proactively securing your future financial rights by way of a written palimony agreement.

For more information or to schedule a consultation, I can be reached at 609-601-6600.  Visit and Like my professional Facebook page for informative posts relative to family law and guardianships.  Like and Share!

Happy Friday,

Stephanie

Write Your Will, Right Now.

I am sure you have heard the advice... you need a Will.  And you probably think to yourself, Why?  The answer is simple:   Because today could be your last day on earth.

You may be thinking that you do not have anything of value that anyone would want.  Are you sure about that?  Do you have a bank account?  A car?  A piece of jewelry?  Who do you want to get that money or those items (whatever the value) when you die?  You may be thinking that you do not have children, so it does not matter.  Let me explain why it does.

First I want to drive home the point that we really never know when we are going to pass.  The southern New Jersey legal community lost a judge last week.  The Honorable Allen J. Littlefield died suddenly at the age of 48.  He left behind a wife and two young children, his parents, siblings and in-laws.  It was a shock that we are all still processing.  His death was from natural causes.  But to most everyone who knew him - he seemed "fit as a fiddle".  His sudden and tragic death is a reminder that we should always have a plan in place.

Let's start with kids.  Are you a single parent?  Who will be the guardian for your children if you were to die suddenly?  In New Jersey, it is presumed that the other biological parent will assume responsibility and there is an inference that they are entitled to custody or guardianship.  If there are facts about this person that make you uncomfortable about that presumption - you ought to name a guardian in your Will.  The parent can always try to legally challenge the Will, but at least you will have indicated your preference and put the court on notice that this person is not necessarily the best choice.

Are you married to someone who has children from another relationship?  If you die intestate (without a Will), your spouse is legally entitled to inherit all of your estate.  And when your spouse later dies, everything that he or she inherited from you will go to (a) whomever they indicated in their Will; or (b) to all of their children, equally.  That means that whatever was yours prior to your death may later pass to a child unrelated to you.  There are ways to structure your Will to prevent that from happening. 

Maybe you are single, or happily married with no children, and you do not believe you have any assets or anything of value that requires the drafting of a Will.   That could be true.  Many people scrape by each month to pay bills; they don't own a home or a car and have nothing else of value.  But there are also many individuals who have a decent job, with a modest bank account, their car is paid off, or maybe there is some equity in their home.  If this is you, and you are single, then your estate will pass to your parents (if they are still living) or to your siblings.  Is that what you want?  Or would you like your brother to get your baseball card collection and your sister to get the car?  If you have a Will, you can express those wishes. 

Another reason to draft a Will is that you get to name an Executor.  The Executor is the person who is responsible for probating the Will and making sure your wishes are carried out.  This person should be someone you trust.  If you die without a Will, then the Court will appoint an Administrator - usually a family member, and that person will be required to post a bond.  A bond is an insurance policy in case the Administrator fails to manage your estate properly; i.e., does not properly handle the debt or the money in the estate.  If you name an Executor in your Will, you can also indicate that the bond requirement should be waived.  Getting a bond is not easy.  Anyone who has had any financial problems in their past is going to have a difficult time getting bonded.  Writing a Will makes everything easier for your family and friends after you die.

For people with large valued estates, there may be tax reasons for drafting a Will in a certain way.  Almost any lawyer can draft a simple Will.  An experienced estate lawyer can help identify more complex issues and explain why certain provisions might be best for you and ultimately best for your family. 

Its never too soon to write a Will.  For more information I can be reached at 609-601-6600.  For daily posts with  helpful information to like and share, find and Like my Facebook page.

Have a good week,

Stephanie

Can I Represent Myself in Family Court?

Are you the Do-It-Yourself  (DIY) type?  Many people are very self-reliant.  They are intelligent, have a college education, access to a computer (hey, you found this blog) and consider themselves quite practical.  These people paint their own living room, change their car's oil, research grass/lawn care and have a fabulous lush green front yard.  These people might even fix their own sink if it clogs, and they never panic at the sight of blood.  So naturally, they are confident that they can handle their own divorce, or arrange a custody or child support order.

So, why should you hire a lawyer to handle these pesky little legal issues?  Sorry, I cannot answer that question for you.  I am not a salesman and I will not waste time trying to convince you that you need me as your lawyer.  Only you can make that decision.   However, as you mull this decision over, as I am sure you will, consider the following.

Those who are Pro-se (do you know what that word means?) are expected to know the Rules of Court.  At last count, it is a 2,830 page book.  Are you Plaintiff or Defendant?  What if you have an existing Court Order and you want it modified - are you still the same Plaintiff and Defendant from the first order? 

To what are you entitled in a divorce action?  What if your spouse cheated?  Shouldn't the scum of the earth pay for it?  What about that 401K that you diligently saved?  Its all yours, right?  Or is it?  What about the money you inherited from your father?  Or the credit card debt that your spouse racked up re-decorating the house - you never wanted that 50" Smart TV, or the X-box, or the fancy throw pillows.  Best Buy and Bed Bath & Beyond don't care.  So which spouse pays that bill?

Child support?  Just submit your paystubs and the court can figure it out.  Right - except for when the paystubs do not reflect the true income.  Then what?  What if you or your ex have children with other people?  Is that relevant?  What about college?  Who pays the tuition?  What if you believe the child should pursue the military instead?

DIY-ers can probably find all of this information by doing research.  But when are you going to do that research?  On your days off?  After work?  Issues in Family Court are not weekend projects like painting your living room or fixing the sink.  On average, an uncontested divorce - truly uncontested - takes about 3 months.  Mildly contested actions take at about a year, and highly contentious matters can last 2 years or more.  Even a motion for child support can take 2-3 months.  That's a long time to DIY, especially if it becomes emotionally draining, as most family issues do.

Think about it.  Yes, you can DIY if you are willing and able to invest the time and energy (physical and emotional) that is required.  Or, you can hire a lawyer who already knows these answers.  Then you can spend your weekend with your children, or changing your oil, or working on your yard.  Maybe you could even - (gasp!) - meet a match at Starbucks!

Putting all sarcasm aside.... if you decide to DIY, good luck.  If you decide to hire a lawyer, make sure you are comfortable.  A good fit between attorney and client makes for a happier ending.

For more information or to schedule an appointment, I can be reached at 609-601-6600.  Find and Like my professional Facebook page for informative posts to like and share!

Best,

Stephanie

Co-parent or Parallel-parent: What style fits you?

Divorced or separated parents come in all shapes and sizes, ages, races and socio-economic backgrounds.  But they all either get along, or don't. 

In thinking about this issue, I came across a great article Co-Parenting vs. Parallel Parenting: Which Approach Is Best for Your Family?  The article explains that parents who can get along with their ex are often very successful as "co-parents".  They communicate with eachother in a non-confrontational way, they are flexible with eachother as plans change, and they support eachother in enforcing rules or punishments.  In short, they work together for the benefit of their children.

Ideally, all parents would co-parent and we would all live happily ever after.  But the real world is full of conflict and tension, especially between exes.  Children of these parents still need the support of both parents and the parents still probably want the best for their children; albeit in a different style than their ex.  Co-parenting does not work for these high-conflict parents.  Instead, "Parallel parenting" is a better choice.     Parallel parenting plans must be highly structured and detail oriented.  A back-up or "Plan B" is a good idea in the event of unforeseen circumstances such as changes in a parent's schedule on any given day.  The goal of parallel parenting is to support the disengagement of the parents so that there is less opportunity for conflict and resulting emotional harm to the children.  Rules should be established such as curb-side drop-off, neutral location drop-off or email-only communication. 

As the children grow and mature, parenting plans will need to be modified to accommodate changes in routine and school obligations.  Hopefully in the meantime,  parents can establish a workable parenting plan or style conducive to their level of tension with their ex.

For more information and to schedule a consultation I can be reached at 609-601-6600.  I would also encourage you to Like my professional  Facebook page for informative posts regarding family law or guardianship issues.

Have a great weekend!

Stephanie